When: Saturday 17th October
Where: The Hilltop Hotel

Tickets at a very reasonably priced £15 are available from either Russ or Geoff

Catford – Away – Won

The galaxy is in a state of civil war. Spies for the Rebel Alliance have stolen plans to the Catford Empire’s Death Star. Rebel leader Princess Nicky Ward is in possession of the plans, but her ship is captured by Imperial forces under the command of Darth Ganesh who leads the Catford hoard. Before she is captured, Nicky hides the plans in a Kingsnorth class droid named G2-K2, along with a holographic recording. The small droid escapes to the surface of the desert planet Lordswood with fellow droid C-SteveO. The two droids are quickly captured by traders, who sell the pair to Stacy Busswalker. While Stacy is cleaning G2-K2, he accidentally triggers part of Nicky’s holographic message, in which she requests help from Obi-Neil Harvey.

During dinner, G2-K2 escapes to seek Obi-Neil in the hills nearby. After some adventures with the strange creatures of West Street they find Obi-Neil. He tells Stacy of his days as a Jedi Knight and explains to him about a mysterious energy field called the Force. He also tells Stacy about his association with Stacy’s father, also a Jedi, whom he claims to have been betrayed and murdered by Darth Dave Vader, Obi-Neil’s former pupil who turned to the dark side. Obi-Neil then views Nicky’s message, in which she begs him to take G2-K2 and the Death Star plans to her home planet of Wrotham, where her father will be able to retrieve and analyze them. Obi-Neil asks Stacy to accompany him to Wrotham and to learn the ways of the Force. Stacy agrees and the two hire smuggler Russ Solo and his Wookiee co-pilot Chuffer to transport them on their ship, the Millennium Jeep.

We join our heroes as they journey to Catford to defeat the galactic menace …….

….. Using some very advanced technology, Jason The Pizza Hut was able to guide the Jeep to the vicinity of the Imperial fortress and rendezvoused with other members of the Rebel Alliance. The band of heroes disembarked with their gear and set up a forward base.

By virtue of not having a Wookiee of their own Princess Nicky immediately gained the upper hand and launched the opening salvo in the final battle to decide ultimate supremacy. Jason The Pizza Hut opened fire with a young padawan named Har Har Meredith. They faced the might of Darth Garnesh but the opposition didn’t know what was happening and had no answer to their initial onslaught. In the sixth over the first of their troopers lost his stumps with only 8 runs on the galactic board and Har Har was punching the air in celebration. Darth Garnesh came back from this setback flailing and swinging. The galactic scoreboard was ticking up when Princess Nicky called on Stacy Busswalker to stem the tide. The Force is strong in this one and soon he had his first victim. And then another one and another. There was no stopping him as he carved his way through the dark forces.

Obi-Neil got in on the action and picked up his usual couple of scalps with the minimum of fuss. Almost without effect the venerable warrior struck at the opposition and when he was finally hit it only made him stronger.

When the dark forces were beaten back with only a meager 96 on the galactic scoreboard, the Rebel Alliance regrouped at their forward base and shared some rations.

Suitably refreshed and revived the first of the heroes went out to do individual battle with the enemy. Princess Nicky donned the Helm of Might and led the way. Right from the start her flashing blade flashed and the enemy attack was smashed to the far edges of the combat zone. Having shown what she could do the enemy redoubled their efforts but they couldn’t shift her. With steely eyes she faced and dismissed each attempt.

Accompanying Nicky was a notorious bounty hunter, Boba Bryce. Expectations were high that this cricketing Jedi would finish off the enemy and win the day. Darth Garnesh himself dispatched our hero and too soon his battle was over. Har Har Meredith was the next to come bounding out to join the struggle.

His fight lasted no longer than it takes a Ewok to win cute furry little midget of the year award. Enter Russ Solo and his hefty blaster. Immediately, the tide turned and together he and Princess Nicky began to look invincible. The enemy moral was broken and it was only a matter of time before they were to be defeated. The Rebels plan was simple, just see off their big guns and then smash the rest.

It was a good plan but just when it was about to pay dividends, Princess Nicky fell to an unlucky shot. The Rebels were half way to victory by then when young Busswalker joined his old ally Solo. Wielding his lightsaber he sliced his way through the enemy ranks and victory became a certainty. Fate is a bitch though and with only 6 runs required to ensure victory, Russ too fell by the way.

Young Busswalker was joined by Jason The Pizza Hut who with a mighty blow leveled the scores. As is fitting, with a ferocious swing of his lightsaber Busswalker dispatched the final attack and destroyed the Death Star seconds before it fired on the Rebel base. Later, at a grand ceremony, Princess Nicky awards liquid rewards to Stacy and Russ for their heroism in the battle.

“Dum Dum Dum, Dum-te-Dum, Dum-te-Dum”

Moment Of The Match
Their opening batsman hit Stacy for what was probably the biggest six we have seen this year. Now he is a philosophical type of lad and “these things happen”. However, philosophy was out the window and replaced with incredulity when he learned that the man who had struck the blow was over seventy years old!

Man Of The Match
No question; for his figures of 5 for 21, some lively fielding and an undefeated 20 the accolades and tributes can only go to Stacy Buss.

Someone gave these two a beer and listen to what happened:
karaoke

Old Eltamians – Home – Won

As is customary these days, the game started with Ward meeting the opposition captain and duly winning the toss without any fuss. It is almost like he knows the outcome beforehand. Spooky. We would field which is also customary these days.

Some teams have curious rituals to follow in order to prepare themselves but here at Wrotham the ritual is more about Nick running around rounding up the players and getting them onto the field. Thing is as soon as he turns his back they generally wander off again. It’s like taking your ancient and slightly smelly grandfather to the shops and expecting him to stay where you left him.

Another custom – the new ball was thrown to Scrooge Butler whose meanness when it comes to giving away runs is legendary. He is as tight as a well known umpire’s wallet.

His partner in meanness was Dave “Toes” Buss. It’s been a while since we last saw this dapper fellow in whites but you cannot keep class down, We were duly treated to a demonstration of guile and accuracy that meant the opposition just couldn’t score a run. Five of his allotted eight overs were maidens and they only scored a measly seven runs in total from him. This, he will tell you ad nauseam, included a three which completely ruined his figures!

The life of a captain is never easy but it is doubly difficult if you are missing two strike bowlers (and arguably three if you count Billy The Kid). So Nick had some juggling to do in order to get enough bowlers and not sacrifice the great start.

In such times you turn to old faithful. Once again Harvey was economical and got the wickets we needed. Just as the batsmen were starting to look settled he bowled some utter rubbish and Bryce and Fennings had some catching practice.

He was ably supported by Kingsnorth despite having a mysterious bad back (good girl, Tracy). Less ably so by Fennell. The run rate crept up to 6 and they were beginning to amass a total.

In desperation Nick brought himself on and produced an incredible leg break that completely deceived the onrushing batsman who was stumped by new boy Mike. Speaking of which, praise should be heaped on this new addition who had a great day behind the stumps. Klondike Pete had better look out.

Rickieeeee Bryce was our last bowling change and despite taking an over or two to warm up he got in on the action and was among the wicket takers.

So, the story of their innings; we bowled well, not so well and not so bad. We fielded very well including a good display by Chicken; a big unit who threw himself about the field to save many a run. It has to be said that he could do with some practice on his footwork though. All of which meant we were looking at 161 to win.

After nearly three weeks away from “The Boys” it was a refreshed and relaxed Fennell that turned up at the ground keen to get back into the fray only to discover that Resourceful Ward had found a host of new players and that his services wouldn’t be needed after all. Not one to be beaten though, our boy put on his best “kicked puppy” look and the resulting wave of pity earned him a start.

Why the desperation to play you ask? Here’s the deal, during the break his nemesis and closest rival for the batting trophy had closed the gap to just two runs so it was vital that he played.

Also, Bryce has been covertly creeping up the table and is more than capable of producing a quick fire ton to grab the prize at the last moment. So Fennell promoted himself to three after a quick word in the captain ear and Bryce was left languishing at five.

Unfortunately for Fennell, Brewer and Ward got off to terrific start and he could only sit there and watch his dreams for silverware disappear. We were 30 before the pitch undid Nick and he got his chance.

Like something out of a Rocky film both title contenders traded blows and insults. Every trick in the book was employed. Fennell refusing a second run to steal the strike. Brewer insisting in running in the first place. At one point they came together at the end of an over, Fennell complained of feeling knackered to which Brewer replied “Is that because you are a fat c**t”. Oh, it was so on.

Largely ignoring the opposition, these two kept blasting away and soon Fennell had a fifty. Then a couple of overs later so to did Brewer. Something had to be done and at the next end-of-over conference Fennell suggested that Brewer only needed one big shot to catch him up. Next ball, Brewer’s stumps were scattered but it would have been a big shot if only he’d connected with it.

These two had put on over 100 runs and we were now only 30 runs short of victory when Baby-Maker Fennings wandered serenely out to the crease. In short order he twice dispatched the ball to the boundary. The first was probably the most delicious cover drive you’re likely to see.

With Brewer out of the way and Fennings not looking like he was going to get out, it was time for Fennell to knuckle down and not let Bryce get in. This is the type of mind you a dealing with. The final few runs came and went without ado and we romped home to an eight wicket victory and for Fennell is was mission accomplished.

Moment of the match
There have been good and bad moments this season. This is one of the latter. Not many people saw this but towards the end of the game, Fennell clubbed a ball straight back at the bowler. With one bounce it skipped past the two fielders in the deep for four. A delightful stroke you might say. So why was Fennell so white and his trousers so brown? Well, such was the force of the shot that it seared past the non-strikers end before anyone could react including a very, very fortunate Chuffer. It actually hit his beard it was that close. An inch to the right and we would have been writing an obituary.

Man of the match
You’d expect that 71 not out would secure this weeks prize but lets be fair, we had loads of batting to come and with the excellent start that Brewer gave us not to mention Fennings’ recent form I don’t think we were going to struggle. However, what did for the opposition was the brilliant performance of Buss. His spell of 8-5-7-1 really knocked the heart out of them and they never really recovered. So when our batsmen started so well their heads dropped and the game was ours.

I’ve only been away for two weeks and we are second in the league, Brewer is now only 2 runs away from my taking my crown and worst of all Butler hits a fifty. All sense and reason has been abandoned and the end of days is upon us.

Sunday July 5th.An utter and outright thrashing given to us from Kingshill.Despite a setting a total of 170 batting first including a fine opening partnership between Chris Harvey our new opening bat, and Gavin Jones of over 100 we failed through our bowling attack this is not in anyway the fault of the guys that tried there very best but the fact we were short of three main line bowlers. If we are going to compete we in future must make sure of at least two of these being available.I find it so frustrating knowing the improvement is in this team to do well at last. Please be available it will bring winning ways to Wrotham C.C. on a Sunday again.
Your mostly allways available Chairman and greatest fan.
Geoff.

Nursted – away – lost

This week instead of the usual match report we will print an exert from a letter home from one of our fallen comrades:

This was do-or-die. After our initial surge forward in May our campaign faltered and we had been beaten back somewhat in recent weeks. Dark clouds gathered over the staging area before, grim faced and determined, we climbed aboard the Yank Tank and ABW (armored Buss wagon) and set off for the big push up the hill.

First encounter with the enemy was at 13 hundred hours when a loan trouper was seen crossing the field at Nash Street. We set about readying ourselves for the upcoming battle.

Disaster – Captain Ward accidentally set off a chemical weapon and gassed half the company. Despite this setback he led the way and with Private Brewer laid waste around them. Private Brewer’s snipper skills came to the fore as he picked off 30 without being troubled too much. Eventually though he slipped up and was caught by a dastardly cur and for him the war was over.

Private Fenning tried to repeat his recent heroics but failed and even though there was some early promise.

Lieutenant Fennell’s clash was short and vicious. Early on he launched a huge bomb and followed up with a set of rockets that scattered the enemy to all parts of the field. However, he took one in the hand and it was only a matter of time before he too was dispatched.

Sergeant Buss was looking good and had accounted for 23 when he tried to go over the top but was caught on the wire in no-mans land.

Gunners Mate Wee Stevie Oakley brought the big gun with him but the damn thing seemed to misfire.

Private Butler had to hang around a while before he could get into the action and copped one on his very first encounter.

Private Meredith lied about his age on the draft but the young lad was terribly keen to show his mettle. Truth be told we were glad to have him with us. In the face of the aggressors he advanced and with great courage and dispatched them in a series of truly inspired shots. Alas, he too fell before his time.

The others in our little band of brothers tried but failed to halt the onslaught.

After a couple of hours the retreat was sounded and we regrouped to scoff some grub and slurp a cup of tea. Never has a simple scone tasted so good. But this was only a brief respite and the hostilities soon resumed. We encircled the enemy and had at them. Wave after wave of attacks rained down on them in an effort to break their spirits.

Privates Meredith and Butler opened up with a mixture of ferocity and accuracy that pinned them down and surely it was only a matter of time before one of them perished. However, such was the heat on that fateful day that both men had to break off engagement early than usual.

Sergeant Buss was first to strike and with great accuracy he pinged one into his victim’s legs and with a loud cheer the celebrations began.

Corporal Kingsnorth was next to “hav a go” but his attack was easily repelled and he suffered heavy losses without success.

Bombardier Harvey took up the baton and lobbed some high explosives at the opposition captain who had to dig in in the face of such an onslaught. Eventually, he had his man though and the wile old campaigner had another scalp.

Unfortunately, they had a young warrior who seemed to be able to fire at will and was decimating our attack. We were in trouble.

Sensing this, Captain Ward took upon himself to get us out of the mess. Success, he dispatched two adversaries in quick fashion.

By this stage though, the battle was beginning to take it’s toll. Private Butler was out on his feet and unable to take any further part in our struggle.

Private Brewer was left motionless in the field when a sniper in the trees mowed him down as he ran for cover. It would have been a kindness just to put him out of his misery as he lay there.

Private Meredith was seen making a dash toward a group of enemy vehicles in the far corner of the battlefield only to pull up short with a wounded back. The brave lad went on to try a second assault on the opposition but sadly all the fight had gone out of him.

Private Maylan was patrolling on the boundary when all of a sudden he too went down. Got it in both legs poor blighter.

Bombardier Harvey seemed to have a complete breakdown when faced with the horror of the whole thing. This resulted in a series of inexplicable events that left him sprawling on the ground. Comical if you didn’t feel for the big man.

After some R&R by the long grass Sergeant Buss was sent back to the front again and with renewed vigor, he took out their next two.

Inspired by this, Private Butler got in on the action and aided by Fennell removed one more. But it was all too little too late. After many hours the battle ended as quickly as it started. Broken bodies littered the field. Out of the smoke and mist 22 bloodied and bruised souls trooped away to drink beer, write poetry and generally try to make sense of the whole thing.

Missing or wounded in action:
Pte N Maylan – both legs
Pte S Brewer – both legs
Pte H Meredith – back
Pte J Butler – everything
Lieut R Fennell – hand
Cpl G Kingsnorth – pretty much nothing left
Sgt S Buss – patience
Bdr N Harvey – reflexes shot to pieces

Analysis of the battle described in this letter shows that it was a more even affair than depicted. Both sides scored the same number of runs in the same number of overs. The only difference was that we didn’t have the batting to use up all our overs. An extra 20 or 30 runs would have been enough to see us home.

Moment of the match
After many years in the bowling wilderness, it was good to see Nick take the ball and “turn his arm over”. Despite the lay off he proved he still had it when he served up a delivery that drifted on the breeze like a dandelion seed and then as it pitched at the feet of the onrushing batsman turned into a cobra, bit, spat and leapt away from him to crash into the off stump. Bowling Wardie.

Aside – while fielding at mid off a puffing and slightly wheezing Ward trotted past muttering to himself – “Shit, I’m the fittest man on the pitch”

Man of the match
No contest here. Despite not actually being present at the game itself, it has to be the medical type who has the job of putting our decrepit team back together again. I don’t envy him that job.

GHS Dartford – home – lost

Last time we played this lot the pitch had a major influence in the outcome. For sure we adapted to the conditions much better and deserved the win but as we would be playing on a flat track this week we’d get a true feeling for just how good both teams were.

If I had to say, I think our batting has been the weaker element to our game so far this season. Captain Nick is a thinker and he decided that it would be better for us to have a bowl and chase a total. A solid enough theory.

Butler opened up typically enough with some very tight bowling. He was ably aided by Nigel “Dave the Ump’s Mate” Malyan who despite a couple of early wides soon found his stride and conceded just 12 runs from his 4 overs.

Time for Nick to make a move and so Buss and Harvey were swapped in. He was vindicated shortly thereafter when Harvey started up with his famous mind tricks. As he came in to bowl the opposition captain backed away and Neil had to abort. Neil has never been one for this sort of thing and made the batsman wait while he stood there checking the ball for flecks of dust (it makes a difference I’m told). We then entered a phase of gamesmanship with neither men giving an inch. Eventually Harvey had had enough and delivered a well flighted ball that drifted in and completely deceived the batsman who thought he was going to knock the skin off the ball and we had our first wicket.

The track was playing well and the next wicket did not come for quite some time when that man Harvey trapped their inform batsman leg before.

So with 150 runs on the board and only two wickets down things were not looking great. Nick The Wizard dipped into his bag of tricks and in what can only be described as an inspired move altered reality as we know it and threw the ball to Fennell. The rest of the team (and even Fennell himself) just stood and stared but blow me if this tactic didn’t work. A long hop was produced and the foolish batsman only succeeded in scooping the ball up to Brewer at mid off. A couple of overs later and Nick got a regulation catch at mid on. Then the incoming batsman chipped his first ball back to Fennell and he was on a hat trick. What was going on? Nick had shifted us into a bizarre universe indeed. One that not even special mushrooms can get you to and where the normal rules of cricket no longer apply. Then another wicket from a genuinely good delivery and he had four. And even in the last over he of the game produced a slower ball which floated through the charging batsman and allowed “Baby Maker” Fennings a stumping. So a five wicket haul for Fennell. Never will this be written again.

Trouble was with all this excitement, the opposition had posted a score of 220. That’s big. Really big.

After a spot of tea, Brewer and Ward were sent out to reply. And reply they did. Without giving any chances they struck the ball to all parts of the ground and we set about the run chase. It was a delight to sit and watch your openers build a solid base for once. After an hour of heroics Bewer succumbed and departed the fray with 39 runs to his name. We were 75 for 1. Enter Baby Maker who if truth be told has had a mediocre time with the bat. Not today though. He set about the bowling with some well struck and solid blows. At the other end Ward was quietly amassing a total too. Together they put on another 50 runs before Ward developed wanderlust and was stumped for 39. So 128 for 2 then.

Next in Buss who immediately turned up the heat and he and Baby Maker started taking quick singles and turning ones into twos. The run rate shot up. It didn’t last nearly long enough though and Buss fell to a good delivery. Together they had added another 40 to the total and we were 165 for 3. This was looking good.

“The Bowler Formally Known As H” strode to the crease with some long and easy strides. Unfortunately after nearly two hours at the crease Baby Maker was bowled and had to return to the pavilion just nine runs shy of his maiden 50. 170 for 4. Next in Butler who displayed some considerable restraint and thought in his last innings. Three balls into his innings he showed the complete opposite and had to begin the walk of shame. Gymslip Jenkins cartwheeled his way to join H who continued to impress as he stroked the ball for 4 but he too soon fell. 176 for 5. Jenkins, Harvey and then Wee Stevie Oakley fought a valiant rearguard action but with only a few overs to go and 50 runs required it was asking too much. After our allotted 40 we fell short by just 25.

Our post match analysts took a look at the score book; with 20 extras, at least another 20 extra runs through misfields and failure to take singles while batting you can see where things could have been different. Some more thought by all is required for the next game.

Moment of the match
New boy Paul Jenkins is not a delicate flower of a man. A solid unit you might say. Anyhow, said lump was fielding at fine leg amongst the rabbit holes when the ball was clipped down towards him. He set off at a gallop but unwisely attempted to bend down and pick up the ball whilst on the run. As head plunged earthward and arse went skyward this brave attempt ended in a magnificent forward roll and Paul emerged with the ball in hand. Even the batsmen had to stop and applaud the feat of gymnastics.

Man of the match
I’m going to give this one to Captain Nick. His return to form with the bat, strong display in the field and inspired bowling changes gave us a very real chance of winning this tight game.

Luddesdowne – Away – Lost

The Good – in general our fielding this week was not too shabby at all. Luuddesdowne is a tiny little bowl of a pitch and is normally a high scoring venue as a top edge will generally go for six. Despite this, we contained the opposition fairly well. Sure they scored 173 but there were 27 extras in this and there was an onslaught of frenzied swings at the ball in the last few overs that added an extra 30 runs. Take these out and you are looking at a score just north of 110.

Of particular note Sam “Elastic Fantastic” Davies displayed some incredible aerobatics at point to save a certain four. At the other end on the fielding spectrum Kingsnorth displayed a scene from Bambi on Ice and Butler, the bedroom scene from Sleeping Beauty. Lister was lively. Buss was swift of foot and Ward determined to chase down everything.

As rumored in previous posts, this weekend saw the surprise return on one of Wrotham’s favorite sons – Andy “Ginga” Logan. He is a bit of a bear of a man and those huge shoulders of his launched a massive six, bowled a deceptively fast ball off two paces and nigh on broke Fennell’s hands such was the ferocity of his throws. On top of this it is nice to see his infectious enthusiasm back. Simply put, he makes you want to do better. Just a shame he is unable to drink beer, the big poof.

Figures such as Kingsnorth’s 1 for 16 off 5 was pretty good (imagine what they’d be like if you took out the wides), Butler’s miserly 22 off 8 was a big boost and Lister’s 2 for 12 off 4 was great.

The Bad – despite only needing four runs per over, we displayed an incredible range of poor shot selection and managed to get ourselves out for 73. It should be noted that this was entirely a disaster of our own making. Their blowers just weren’t that good. Honestly. The only resistance was a partnership of 52 by Fennell and Butler but even those two were just as guilty of getting themselves out. Yes, yes, Ginga got a strange ball that seemed to come back off the keeper onto the stumps and Elastic Fantastic got a ball that rolled under his bat but you get one or two strange things on the type of pitches we play on. You expect that. As for the rest … well, batting practice all round.

The Ugly – imagine if you will a fat bullfrog. Pick said creature up by the scruff of the neck such that his pot belly hangs down. Give him a little black cap. Then put some pads and gloves on him and place him behind the stumps. Welcome to Wicketkeeping Fennell Style. I sometimes watch Aerobics Oz Style (purely for the esthetic qualities of the lycra) and this is not it.

Moment of the match
Spurred on by new boy Ginga but mostly by frustration, Buss sped in from cover, dipped, scooped up the ball one handed and demolished the stumps from 15 yards to run out a batsman who could only look on with startled horror at what was unfolding. Aside from the obvious benefit of getting rid of another Luddesdowne player, this wicket had the welcome effect of lifting our spirits and giving the team a second wind. Top man.

Man of the match
We had some discussion on this over a crafty beer after the game and there were a couple of players who did their bit – Fennell for efforts behind the stumps and 27 runs – Ginga’s fielding, tight bowling and general energy. There was a man who, despite a lackluster day in the field, showed some measure of strength to overcome his natural game and score 33 runs without having a wild flail at the ball and this coupled with his very tidy bowling means that this weeks MOM is Mr J Butler esq.

The eskimos may have many words for snow but as I discovered after a day behind the stumps, wicketkeepers have far more for pain – discomfort, irritation, tenderness, soreness, smarting, stinging, aching, cramping, pang, throbbing, beating, pounding, shooting, sickening, drilling, stabbing, sharp, cutting, crushing, punishing, grueling, cruel, vicious, killing, blinding, crushing, wrenching, intense, unbearable, burning, scalding, searing, penetrating, piercing, nauseating, agonising, dreadful, torturing, ….. Holy God do my legs hurt today.