Revenge Of the Phantom Clones

Catford – Away – Won

The galaxy is in a state of civil war. Spies for the Rebel Alliance have stolen plans to the Catford Empire’s Death Star. Rebel leader Princess Nicky Ward is in possession of the plans, but her ship is captured by Imperial forces under the command of Darth Ganesh who leads the Catford hoard. Before she is captured, Nicky hides the plans in a Kingsnorth class droid named G2-K2, along with a holographic recording. The small droid escapes to the surface of the desert planet Lordswood with fellow droid C-SteveO. The two droids are quickly captured by traders, who sell the pair to Stacy Busswalker. While Stacy is cleaning G2-K2, he accidentally triggers part of Nicky’s holographic message, in which she requests help from Obi-Neil Harvey.

During dinner, G2-K2 escapes to seek Obi-Neil in the hills nearby. After some adventures with the strange creatures of West Street they find Obi-Neil. He tells Stacy of his days as a Jedi Knight and explains to him about a mysterious energy field called the Force. He also tells Stacy about his association with Stacy’s father, also a Jedi, whom he claims to have been betrayed and murdered by Darth Dave Vader, Obi-Neil’s former pupil who turned to the dark side. Obi-Neil then views Nicky’s message, in which she begs him to take G2-K2 and the Death Star plans to her home planet of Wrotham, where her father will be able to retrieve and analyze them. Obi-Neil asks Stacy to accompany him to Wrotham and to learn the ways of the Force. Stacy agrees and the two hire smuggler Russ Solo and his Wookiee co-pilot Chuffer to transport them on their ship, the Millennium Jeep.

We join our heroes as they journey to Catford to defeat the galactic menace …….

….. Using some very advanced technology, Jason The Pizza Hut was able to guide the Jeep to the vicinity of the Imperial fortress and rendezvoused with other members of the Rebel Alliance. The band of heroes disembarked with their gear and set up a forward base.

By virtue of not having a Wookiee of their own Princess Nicky immediately gained the upper hand and launched the opening salvo in the final battle to decide ultimate supremacy. Jason The Pizza Hut opened fire with a young padawan named Har Har Meredith. They faced the might of Darth Garnesh but the opposition didn’t know what was happening and had no answer to their initial onslaught. In the sixth over the first of their troopers lost his stumps with only 8 runs on the galactic board and Har Har was punching the air in celebration. Darth Garnesh came back from this setback flailing and swinging. The galactic scoreboard was ticking up when Princess Nicky called on Stacy Busswalker to stem the tide. The Force is strong in this one and soon he had his first victim. And then another one and another. There was no stopping him as he carved his way through the dark forces.

Obi-Neil got in on the action and picked up his usual couple of scalps with the minimum of fuss. Almost without effect the venerable warrior struck at the opposition and when he was finally hit it only made him stronger.

When the dark forces were beaten back with only a meager 96 on the galactic scoreboard, the Rebel Alliance regrouped at their forward base and shared some rations.

Suitably refreshed and revived the first of the heroes went out to do individual battle with the enemy. Princess Nicky donned the Helm of Might and led the way. Right from the start her flashing blade flashed and the enemy attack was smashed to the far edges of the combat zone. Having shown what she could do the enemy redoubled their efforts but they couldn’t shift her. With steely eyes she faced and dismissed each attempt.

Accompanying Nicky was a notorious bounty hunter, Boba Bryce. Expectations were high that this cricketing Jedi would finish off the enemy and win the day. Darth Garnesh himself dispatched our hero and too soon his battle was over. Har Har Meredith was the next to come bounding out to join the struggle.

His fight lasted no longer than it takes a Ewok to win cute furry little midget of the year award. Enter Russ Solo and his hefty blaster. Immediately, the tide turned and together he and Princess Nicky began to look invincible. The enemy moral was broken and it was only a matter of time before they were to be defeated. The Rebels plan was simple, just see off their big guns and then smash the rest.

It was a good plan but just when it was about to pay dividends, Princess Nicky fell to an unlucky shot. The Rebels were half way to victory by then when young Busswalker joined his old ally Solo. Wielding his lightsaber he sliced his way through the enemy ranks and victory became a certainty. Fate is a bitch though and with only 6 runs required to ensure victory, Russ too fell by the way.

Young Busswalker was joined by Jason The Pizza Hut who with a mighty blow leveled the scores. As is fitting, with a ferocious swing of his lightsaber Busswalker dispatched the final attack and destroyed the Death Star seconds before it fired on the Rebel base. Later, at a grand ceremony, Princess Nicky awards liquid rewards to Stacy and Russ for their heroism in the battle.

“Dum Dum Dum, Dum-te-Dum, Dum-te-Dum”

Moment Of The Match
Their opening batsman hit Stacy for what was probably the biggest six we have seen this year. Now he is a philosophical type of lad and “these things happen”. However, philosophy was out the window and replaced with incredulity when he learned that the man who had struck the blow was over seventy years old!

Man Of The Match
No question; for his figures of 5 for 21, some lively fielding and an undefeated 20 the accolades and tributes can only go to Stacy Buss.

Dangerous Minds

Old Eltamians – Home – Won

As is customary these days, the game started with Ward meeting the opposition captain and duly winning the toss without any fuss. It is almost like he knows the outcome beforehand. Spooky. We would field which is also customary these days.

Some teams have curious rituals to follow in order to prepare themselves but here at Wrotham the ritual is more about Nick running around rounding up the players and getting them onto the field. Thing is as soon as he turns his back they generally wander off again. It’s like taking your ancient and slightly smelly grandfather to the shops and expecting him to stay where you left him.

Another custom – the new ball was thrown to Scrooge Butler whose meanness when it comes to giving away runs is legendary. He is as tight as a well known umpire’s wallet.

His partner in meanness was Dave “Toes” Buss. It’s been a while since we last saw this dapper fellow in whites but you cannot keep class down, We were duly treated to a demonstration of guile and accuracy that meant the opposition just couldn’t score a run. Five of his allotted eight overs were maidens and they only scored a measly seven runs in total from him. This, he will tell you ad nauseam, included a three which completely ruined his figures!

The life of a captain is never easy but it is doubly difficult if you are missing two strike bowlers (and arguably three if you count Billy The Kid). So Nick had some juggling to do in order to get enough bowlers and not sacrifice the great start.

In such times you turn to old faithful. Once again Harvey was economical and got the wickets we needed. Just as the batsmen were starting to look settled he bowled some utter rubbish and Bryce and Fennings had some catching practice.

He was ably supported by Kingsnorth despite having a mysterious bad back (good girl, Tracy). Less ably so by Fennell. The run rate crept up to 6 and they were beginning to amass a total.

In desperation Nick brought himself on and produced an incredible leg break that completely deceived the onrushing batsman who was stumped by new boy Mike. Speaking of which, praise should be heaped on this new addition who had a great day behind the stumps. Klondike Pete had better look out.

Rickieeeee Bryce was our last bowling change and despite taking an over or two to warm up he got in on the action and was among the wicket takers.

So, the story of their innings; we bowled well, not so well and not so bad. We fielded very well including a good display by Chicken; a big unit who threw himself about the field to save many a run. It has to be said that he could do with some practice on his footwork though. All of which meant we were looking at 161 to win.

After nearly three weeks away from “The Boys” it was a refreshed and relaxed Fennell that turned up at the ground keen to get back into the fray only to discover that Resourceful Ward had found a host of new players and that his services wouldn’t be needed after all. Not one to be beaten though, our boy put on his best “kicked puppy” look and the resulting wave of pity earned him a start.

Why the desperation to play you ask? Here’s the deal, during the break his nemesis and closest rival for the batting trophy had closed the gap to just two runs so it was vital that he played.

Also, Bryce has been covertly creeping up the table and is more than capable of producing a quick fire ton to grab the prize at the last moment. So Fennell promoted himself to three after a quick word in the captain ear and Bryce was left languishing at five.

Unfortunately for Fennell, Brewer and Ward got off to terrific start and he could only sit there and watch his dreams for silverware disappear. We were 30 before the pitch undid Nick and he got his chance.

Like something out of a Rocky film both title contenders traded blows and insults. Every trick in the book was employed. Fennell refusing a second run to steal the strike. Brewer insisting in running in the first place. At one point they came together at the end of an over, Fennell complained of feeling knackered to which Brewer replied “Is that because you are a fat c**t”. Oh, it was so on.

Largely ignoring the opposition, these two kept blasting away and soon Fennell had a fifty. Then a couple of overs later so to did Brewer. Something had to be done and at the next end-of-over conference Fennell suggested that Brewer only needed one big shot to catch him up. Next ball, Brewer’s stumps were scattered but it would have been a big shot if only he’d connected with it.

These two had put on over 100 runs and we were now only 30 runs short of victory when Baby-Maker Fennings wandered serenely out to the crease. In short order he twice dispatched the ball to the boundary. The first was probably the most delicious cover drive you’re likely to see.

With Brewer out of the way and Fennings not looking like he was going to get out, it was time for Fennell to knuckle down and not let Bryce get in. This is the type of mind you a dealing with. The final few runs came and went without ado and we romped home to an eight wicket victory and for Fennell is was mission accomplished.

Moment of the match
There have been good and bad moments this season. This is one of the latter. Not many people saw this but towards the end of the game, Fennell clubbed a ball straight back at the bowler. With one bounce it skipped past the two fielders in the deep for four. A delightful stroke you might say. So why was Fennell so white and his trousers so brown? Well, such was the force of the shot that it seared past the non-strikers end before anyone could react including a very, very fortunate Chuffer. It actually hit his beard it was that close. An inch to the right and we would have been writing an obituary.

Man of the match
You’d expect that 71 not out would secure this weeks prize but lets be fair, we had loads of batting to come and with the excellent start that Brewer gave us not to mention Fennings’ recent form I don’t think we were going to struggle. However, what did for the opposition was the brilliant performance of Buss. His spell of 8-5-7-1 really knocked the heart out of them and they never really recovered. So when our batsmen started so well their heads dropped and the game was ours.

Postcards From The Front

Nursted – away – lost

This week instead of the usual match report we will print an exert from a letter home from one of our fallen comrades:

This was do-or-die. After our initial surge forward in May our campaign faltered and we had been beaten back somewhat in recent weeks. Dark clouds gathered over the staging area before, grim faced and determined, we climbed aboard the Yank Tank and ABW (armored Buss wagon) and set off for the big push up the hill.

First encounter with the enemy was at 13 hundred hours when a loan trouper was seen crossing the field at Nash Street. We set about readying ourselves for the upcoming battle.

Disaster – Captain Ward accidentally set off a chemical weapon and gassed half the company. Despite this setback he led the way and with Private Brewer laid waste around them. Private Brewer’s snipper skills came to the fore as he picked off 30 without being troubled too much. Eventually though he slipped up and was caught by a dastardly cur and for him the war was over.

Private Fenning tried to repeat his recent heroics but failed and even though there was some early promise.

Lieutenant Fennell’s clash was short and vicious. Early on he launched a huge bomb and followed up with a set of rockets that scattered the enemy to all parts of the field. However, he took one in the hand and it was only a matter of time before he too was dispatched.

Sergeant Buss was looking good and had accounted for 23 when he tried to go over the top but was caught on the wire in no-mans land.

Gunners Mate Wee Stevie Oakley brought the big gun with him but the damn thing seemed to misfire.

Private Butler had to hang around a while before he could get into the action and copped one on his very first encounter.

Private Meredith lied about his age on the draft but the young lad was terribly keen to show his mettle. Truth be told we were glad to have him with us. In the face of the aggressors he advanced and with great courage and dispatched them in a series of truly inspired shots. Alas, he too fell before his time.

The others in our little band of brothers tried but failed to halt the onslaught.

After a couple of hours the retreat was sounded and we regrouped to scoff some grub and slurp a cup of tea. Never has a simple scone tasted so good. But this was only a brief respite and the hostilities soon resumed. We encircled the enemy and had at them. Wave after wave of attacks rained down on them in an effort to break their spirits.

Privates Meredith and Butler opened up with a mixture of ferocity and accuracy that pinned them down and surely it was only a matter of time before one of them perished. However, such was the heat on that fateful day that both men had to break off engagement early than usual.

Sergeant Buss was first to strike and with great accuracy he pinged one into his victim’s legs and with a loud cheer the celebrations began.

Corporal Kingsnorth was next to “hav a go” but his attack was easily repelled and he suffered heavy losses without success.

Bombardier Harvey took up the baton and lobbed some high explosives at the opposition captain who had to dig in in the face of such an onslaught. Eventually, he had his man though and the wile old campaigner had another scalp.

Unfortunately, they had a young warrior who seemed to be able to fire at will and was decimating our attack. We were in trouble.

Sensing this, Captain Ward took upon himself to get us out of the mess. Success, he dispatched two adversaries in quick fashion.

By this stage though, the battle was beginning to take it’s toll. Private Butler was out on his feet and unable to take any further part in our struggle.

Private Brewer was left motionless in the field when a sniper in the trees mowed him down as he ran for cover. It would have been a kindness just to put him out of his misery as he lay there.

Private Meredith was seen making a dash toward a group of enemy vehicles in the far corner of the battlefield only to pull up short with a wounded back. The brave lad went on to try a second assault on the opposition but sadly all the fight had gone out of him.

Private Maylan was patrolling on the boundary when all of a sudden he too went down. Got it in both legs poor blighter.

Bombardier Harvey seemed to have a complete breakdown when faced with the horror of the whole thing. This resulted in a series of inexplicable events that left him sprawling on the ground. Comical if you didn’t feel for the big man.

After some R&R by the long grass Sergeant Buss was sent back to the front again and with renewed vigor, he took out their next two.

Inspired by this, Private Butler got in on the action and aided by Fennell removed one more. But it was all too little too late. After many hours the battle ended as quickly as it started. Broken bodies littered the field. Out of the smoke and mist 22 bloodied and bruised souls trooped away to drink beer, write poetry and generally try to make sense of the whole thing.

Missing or wounded in action:
Pte N Maylan – both legs
Pte S Brewer – both legs
Pte H Meredith – back
Pte J Butler – everything
Lieut R Fennell – hand
Cpl G Kingsnorth – pretty much nothing left
Sgt S Buss – patience
Bdr N Harvey – reflexes shot to pieces

Analysis of the battle described in this letter shows that it was a more even affair than depicted. Both sides scored the same number of runs in the same number of overs. The only difference was that we didn’t have the batting to use up all our overs. An extra 20 or 30 runs would have been enough to see us home.

Moment of the match
After many years in the bowling wilderness, it was good to see Nick take the ball and “turn his arm over”. Despite the lay off he proved he still had it when he served up a delivery that drifted on the breeze like a dandelion seed and then as it pitched at the feet of the onrushing batsman turned into a cobra, bit, spat and leapt away from him to crash into the off stump. Bowling Wardie.

Aside – while fielding at mid off a puffing and slightly wheezing Ward trotted past muttering to himself – “Shit, I’m the fittest man on the pitch”

Man of the match
No contest here. Despite not actually being present at the game itself, it has to be the medical type who has the job of putting our decrepit team back together again. I don’t envy him that job.

Oh So Close

GHS Dartford – home – lost

Last time we played this lot the pitch had a major influence in the outcome. For sure we adapted to the conditions much better and deserved the win but as we would be playing on a flat track this week we’d get a true feeling for just how good both teams were.

If I had to say, I think our batting has been the weaker element to our game so far this season. Captain Nick is a thinker and he decided that it would be better for us to have a bowl and chase a total. A solid enough theory.

Butler opened up typically enough with some very tight bowling. He was ably aided by Nigel “Dave the Ump’s Mate” Malyan who despite a couple of early wides soon found his stride and conceded just 12 runs from his 4 overs.

Time for Nick to make a move and so Buss and Harvey were swapped in. He was vindicated shortly thereafter when Harvey started up with his famous mind tricks. As he came in to bowl the opposition captain backed away and Neil had to abort. Neil has never been one for this sort of thing and made the batsman wait while he stood there checking the ball for flecks of dust (it makes a difference I’m told). We then entered a phase of gamesmanship with neither men giving an inch. Eventually Harvey had had enough and delivered a well flighted ball that drifted in and completely deceived the batsman who thought he was going to knock the skin off the ball and we had our first wicket.

The track was playing well and the next wicket did not come for quite some time when that man Harvey trapped their inform batsman leg before.

So with 150 runs on the board and only two wickets down things were not looking great. Nick The Wizard dipped into his bag of tricks and in what can only be described as an inspired move altered reality as we know it and threw the ball to Fennell. The rest of the team (and even Fennell himself) just stood and stared but blow me if this tactic didn’t work. A long hop was produced and the foolish batsman only succeeded in scooping the ball up to Brewer at mid off. A couple of overs later and Nick got a regulation catch at mid on. Then the incoming batsman chipped his first ball back to Fennell and he was on a hat trick. What was going on? Nick had shifted us into a bizarre universe indeed. One that not even special mushrooms can get you to and where the normal rules of cricket no longer apply. Then another wicket from a genuinely good delivery and he had four. And even in the last over he of the game produced a slower ball which floated through the charging batsman and allowed “Baby Maker” Fennings a stumping. So a five wicket haul for Fennell. Never will this be written again.

Trouble was with all this excitement, the opposition had posted a score of 220. That’s big. Really big.

After a spot of tea, Brewer and Ward were sent out to reply. And reply they did. Without giving any chances they struck the ball to all parts of the ground and we set about the run chase. It was a delight to sit and watch your openers build a solid base for once. After an hour of heroics Bewer succumbed and departed the fray with 39 runs to his name. We were 75 for 1. Enter Baby Maker who if truth be told has had a mediocre time with the bat. Not today though. He set about the bowling with some well struck and solid blows. At the other end Ward was quietly amassing a total too. Together they put on another 50 runs before Ward developed wanderlust and was stumped for 39. So 128 for 2 then.

Next in Buss who immediately turned up the heat and he and Baby Maker started taking quick singles and turning ones into twos. The run rate shot up. It didn’t last nearly long enough though and Buss fell to a good delivery. Together they had added another 40 to the total and we were 165 for 3. This was looking good.

“The Bowler Formally Known As H” strode to the crease with some long and easy strides. Unfortunately after nearly two hours at the crease Baby Maker was bowled and had to return to the pavilion just nine runs shy of his maiden 50. 170 for 4. Next in Butler who displayed some considerable restraint and thought in his last innings. Three balls into his innings he showed the complete opposite and had to begin the walk of shame. Gymslip Jenkins cartwheeled his way to join H who continued to impress as he stroked the ball for 4 but he too soon fell. 176 for 5. Jenkins, Harvey and then Wee Stevie Oakley fought a valiant rearguard action but with only a few overs to go and 50 runs required it was asking too much. After our allotted 40 we fell short by just 25.

Our post match analysts took a look at the score book; with 20 extras, at least another 20 extra runs through misfields and failure to take singles while batting you can see where things could have been different. Some more thought by all is required for the next game.

Moment of the match
New boy Paul Jenkins is not a delicate flower of a man. A solid unit you might say. Anyhow, said lump was fielding at fine leg amongst the rabbit holes when the ball was clipped down towards him. He set off at a gallop but unwisely attempted to bend down and pick up the ball whilst on the run. As head plunged earthward and arse went skyward this brave attempt ended in a magnificent forward roll and Paul emerged with the ball in hand. Even the batsmen had to stop and applaud the feat of gymnastics.

Man of the match
I’m going to give this one to Captain Nick. His return to form with the bat, strong display in the field and inspired bowling changes gave us a very real chance of winning this tight game.

A Bowl Of Spaghetti Western

Luddesdowne – Away – Lost

The Good – in general our fielding this week was not too shabby at all. Luuddesdowne is a tiny little bowl of a pitch and is normally a high scoring venue as a top edge will generally go for six. Despite this, we contained the opposition fairly well. Sure they scored 173 but there were 27 extras in this and there was an onslaught of frenzied swings at the ball in the last few overs that added an extra 30 runs. Take these out and you are looking at a score just north of 110.

Of particular note Sam “Elastic Fantastic” Davies displayed some incredible aerobatics at point to save a certain four. At the other end on the fielding spectrum Kingsnorth displayed a scene from Bambi on Ice and Butler, the bedroom scene from Sleeping Beauty. Lister was lively. Buss was swift of foot and Ward determined to chase down everything.

As rumored in previous posts, this weekend saw the surprise return on one of Wrotham’s favorite sons – Andy “Ginga” Logan. He is a bit of a bear of a man and those huge shoulders of his launched a massive six, bowled a deceptively fast ball off two paces and nigh on broke Fennell’s hands such was the ferocity of his throws. On top of this it is nice to see his infectious enthusiasm back. Simply put, he makes you want to do better. Just a shame he is unable to drink beer, the big poof.

Figures such as Kingsnorth’s 1 for 16 off 5 was pretty good (imagine what they’d be like if you took out the wides), Butler’s miserly 22 off 8 was a big boost and Lister’s 2 for 12 off 4 was great.

The Bad – despite only needing four runs per over, we displayed an incredible range of poor shot selection and managed to get ourselves out for 73. It should be noted that this was entirely a disaster of our own making. Their blowers just weren’t that good. Honestly. The only resistance was a partnership of 52 by Fennell and Butler but even those two were just as guilty of getting themselves out. Yes, yes, Ginga got a strange ball that seemed to come back off the keeper onto the stumps and Elastic Fantastic got a ball that rolled under his bat but you get one or two strange things on the type of pitches we play on. You expect that. As for the rest … well, batting practice all round.

The Ugly – imagine if you will a fat bullfrog. Pick said creature up by the scruff of the neck such that his pot belly hangs down. Give him a little black cap. Then put some pads and gloves on him and place him behind the stumps. Welcome to Wicketkeeping Fennell Style. I sometimes watch Aerobics Oz Style (purely for the esthetic qualities of the lycra) and this is not it.

Moment of the match
Spurred on by new boy Ginga but mostly by frustration, Buss sped in from cover, dipped, scooped up the ball one handed and demolished the stumps from 15 yards to run out a batsman who could only look on with startled horror at what was unfolding. Aside from the obvious benefit of getting rid of another Luddesdowne player, this wicket had the welcome effect of lifting our spirits and giving the team a second wind. Top man.

Man of the match
We had some discussion on this over a crafty beer after the game and there were a couple of players who did their bit – Fennell for efforts behind the stumps and 27 runs – Ginga’s fielding, tight bowling and general energy. There was a man who, despite a lackluster day in the field, showed some measure of strength to overcome his natural game and score 33 runs without having a wild flail at the ball and this coupled with his very tidy bowling means that this weeks MOM is Mr J Butler esq.

Don’t Forget Your Sunblock

Nursted – home – lost

This week you get a break from the usual diatribe and instead, you get a song:

Ten unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun,
Ten unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun,
And if one unfit fatty should accidentally burn
there’ll be nine unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun.

Nine unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun,
Nine unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun,
And if one unfit fatty should accidentally burn
there’ll be eight unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun.

…. well, you get the idea.

Yes, on the hottest day by far we struggled in the field under a baking sun and the opposition posted a large total of 192. Jason bowled a tidy and economical spell picking up 2 wickets and conceding just 20 runs. It was good to see Kingsnorth come back from obscurity with two good wickets albeit slightly expensively.

Dorman had a good day behind the stumps but yet we managed to give away 21 extras. Buss had two marvelous run outs that saw him swoop on the ball like a granny spying a bargain at a jumble sale and launch it at the stumps in a single fluid underarm fashion. Wee Stevie Oakley took another two fine catches to see him leap to the top of the fielding table.

In reply we got to 162 in our allotted 40 overs. So not a bad chase. Everyone chipped in with some runs but in reality we needed at least one of the top order to get a fifty to spur us on to the victory. Doorman’s duck fetish has reached worrying proportions.

A hugely disappointing day for all. Still we have a week off to get our heads back in the right place.

In our league we get a bowling point for every two wickets we take. Important then that we maxed out with five of those. On the batting front the loosing side gets a extra point for every ten runs closer to the target they get (ie. 1 point if they are within 90, 2 if within 80, etc.). By achieving 162 we actually earned a total of 11 points (5 from bowling, 6 from batting) from the game when the opposition only got 19 (15 for winning and 4 for bowling). Yes we lost but, numerically, not by much. It’s things like these that make a difference at the end of the season.

Moment Of The Match
Slim pickings this week. Butler and Harvey’s final run to get us an extra batting point had to be a high point. Butler had completed at least five (count them, five) whole singles previously and was understandably lame as a result. Harvey has never been one for the “quick single”, I’ve seen faster ice ages. So when the bowler steamed in for the final ball, Butler had already hobbled half way down the pitch and was bellowing for the run. Luckily, this did not put Harvey off his stroke and he was able to prod it away and he too set off with the speed of an arthritic snail. With legs pumping and arms flailing our man reached the safety of the far end just as the ball passed the stumps ten seconds earlier (qui audet vincit).

Man Of The Match
Young Harry “H” Meredith bowled well in his second spell, took a great catch, had a run-out and produced some wonderful off drives to be top scorer. An all round performance sadly missing from the rest of the team.

No Brewers Droop

Blackheath Select away 23rd May 09  WON

11 players yet again , what can i say things get better and better, automatic win of coin again as Select had no umpire.

Deciding to bowl first, Butler(5-4-3-0) and Dorstop(7-1-21-0) contained the the opening batsmen for the first 10 overs with accurate bowling, stand in skipper Buss decided that a wicket or 2 was needed so a change in the attack was needed (also the fact that he wasn’t to sure how the rest of the team would bowl, thus forcing a change in reality). A stroke of genius in hind sight , firstly Meredith(8-1-26-3)  fresh from school, was tossed the ball, Klunky Kluznic standing a fair distance behind the stumps took ready to recieve the first delivery, baring in mind our Harry is only 15 sent down an exorcet that shook the batsmen as if Brett Lee had bowled it himself, clipping the shoulder of the bat and landing 35 meters behind the slips, Klunky looked at Brewer and decided that they may be too close so stepped back 10 metres. Buss (7.3-3-11-5) bowled from the other end had immediate impact 1st ball then again 2 balls later, what a great start. With eyes glowing red and a snarling grin Meredith started his second over, stumps were sent flying , boy this kid is quick sorry not quick but bloody quick, i have to say he’s probably the quickest 15 yr old i’ve seen, Select battled, prodded and chanced their arm to amass a decent score but were containd well by all bowlers Davies (4-0-12-0) Harvey (7-0-19-1) and were eventually mopped up by J-cloth Busss , 98 all out. The wheels of Wrotham were well and truley in motion.

Tea hhmmmm nice

Deciding to juggle the batting order Buss almost sank in the ground as the wheels started to disintigrate, Brewer (54 no) watched in amazment as Fennings and Dorstop came and went rather to quickly Bryce (19) Buss (10) added resistance but we were in deep do do 63-7 . Enter the dragon ( Davies 9) stood firm adding 26 with Brewer nearly saw us home but a fateful second run saw Davies cruelly run out by square leg Fennings ( uncle Rob at that) 89-8 oh dear … Harvey(2no) strapped on his pads, donned his cap  and with bat under arm trudged to the crease,  with exchange of words mumbling to Brewer no quick singles he stroked the ball through the covers for a single .. no, Brewer had other ideas, 2 was the shout and gazzelle like Brewer was up and running, Harvey not looking to impressed launched himself into the second run, cheers and laughter could be heard around the ground as the steely eyed Harvey glared back at Brewer. Brewster Brewer saw us over the line with 15 overs spare No Brewers Droop. Pick of Select’s bowlers was Shah (7-1-42-7)

Mom

Steve Brewer for holding a rocky ship scoring 54 no

And no Nick thats not your bat

Moment of the match

Well there wasnt just one in particular , Harry’s first ball was a gem as was the sight of his 3 wickets flattening the stumps each time. Buss’s throw inflicting a run out, Fennell would have been proud, with an under arm flick the ball would have missed by miles but great footwork from Klunky kicking the ball onto the stumps. Brewster and Harveys 2 was another, but for me young Sam Davies shot for 4 against the opening bowler, front foot firmly planted and driven along the ground back past the bowler, baring in mind the boundaries were big .

 

Great win Wardy’s back next week so at least he’s still undefeated

S Buss.

Buss Bowls, Bats And Beats Bexleyheath

Bexleyheath – away – won

Having survived last week’s ordeal of traveling into, for want of a better description, “suburbia” the prospect of returning to that dark and misbegotten place held no fears for us. This coupled with the fact that this week we were playing the return leg of our first game of the season (a relatively easy victory) meant that the mood was one of optimism as we set off up the M20.

Last time we met, the opposition seemed to rely of a couple of key batsmen to get them a score and so if we could nip a them out cheaply then we would be looking at a small target. With this in mind it made sense to stick them in again.

The new ball was thrown to Butler who decided to bowl into the face of what a Scottish crofter might call a fresh breeze but down here, where the people are more sensible, would be called a hurricane. Despite this, he set about to opposition with his usual accuracy and cunning.

Partnering him was the reluctant bowler Dorman; a modest man who feels his greatest assets lie elsewhere but will turn his arm over if needs be. Well, needs be and talent or not he started a great spell off by taking the scalps of their top three batsmen. Ten very economical overs later Captain Ward made his first tactical change; Butler was given a rest and the ball was passed to Buss. Unknown to us, the poor lad has sensitive ears and such was the howling of the wind that he had to abort his run up on several occasions and was left clutching his lugs. Obviously, we were sympathetic to his pain.

At the other end Dorman continued his onslaught. Time then for the return of an old favourite, Gareth “Wild Man” Lister. Here is a man who can bowl a 28 ball over without breaking a sweat. That, however, is all in the past and despite a couple of errant balls down the leg side he bowled a very tidy little spell only conceding 10 runs off his four overs.

Then Captain Ward played his next ace, the Elder Harvey. And ace he was.

The opposition’s most successful batsman was lured by the wily Harvey into hitting a solid but uppish ball to cow corner. Initially it looked like it would clear the boundary for a maximum, then the wind seemed to hold it up and it began to drop short. Butler who was prowling the boundary like a like a shark eying beach full of swimmers could catch this. Hearts rose. Then the wind held the ball up further and it began to fall short of our man. Hearts fell. Butler started forward …. the ball was dropping ever shorter but Butler raced on. With the ball scant feet off the ground he threw himself into a sliding, diving onward rush and engulfed the ball just in time. No one dared to look but with a mighty shout he rose to his feet clutching the ball. We won’t see much better than that this year.

The wind died down then and the aurally impaired Buss came back on to bowl and proved he was far too good for the remaining batsmen picking up 4 wickets for a miserly 12 runs. Kingsnorth got in on the action and disposed of the opposition’s final resistance in fairly quick fashion.

Tea was taken in the recently retrieved marquee (did I mention there was wind?) and we were pretty happy with the days work so far. Once again we had restricted the opposition to a low score – 110.

Now Captain Ward has a fine memory and had spotted the worlds fastest bowler among the opposition. Fear not, he had a plan for this and donned his mighty morphing power ranger suit complete with fetching helmet and accompanied by Steady Steve Brewer went out to face this demon. Disaster! Obviously encumbered by the weight of his armor valiant Captain Ward fell after a couple of overs. Baby Maker Fennings then ran in and was run out in pretty much the same breath.

Time then for Fennell who is a superstitious sort and was clearly upset by having to reach a target of 111 – the Nelson. Things started badly; dropped at second slip in the first over, a couple of streaky runs form the edge of his bat and some frankly wild and ludicrous swings of the bat. However, through racial luck he survived and battled on. Just when Steady Steve looked like he was beginning to get to grips with the pitch, which was worsening by the minute, he was bowled by a good length ball that nipped back in through the gate. We were 29 for 3 and the target looked a long way away.

Buss was next in and displayed cautiousness and skill to see off the opening bowlers. He was the perfect foil to Fennell’s claymore and together they put on a further 60 runs before the pitch played it’s part and Buss was caught in the deep from a leading edge. This was a shame as the game should have finished with both of these players still at the crease.

With 20 runs required, Wee Stevie Oakley strode to the crease hefting his bat on his shoulder like a lumberjack. Now this man is what’s called “a big unit” and is characteristically jolly for a man of his proportions. If he was green then he could endorse cans of sweet corn. You get the picture. Anyhow, we got a glimpse of the strength of the man when he planted his size 14 down the crease and cleanly picked the ball from outside off stump and swept it over the mid wicket boundary for a magnificent six.

Buoyed by this for the next delivery he placed the same foot down the track, played the same shot and ….. was LBW. Damn.

Next in was Duckman Dorman who has been collecting the things like Noah before a bout of rain. He played a rather rash shot and had one more to add to the menagerie.

We were 99 for 6 now. Surely, we couldn’t fail this close to the win? Lister came in the partner Fennell and together they brought the score to 109 before a rush of blood saw Fennell edge the ball to the keeper which brought an end to a fine innings – not pretty but fairly effective.

Butler was next in and finished the game off with an excellent edge for 4 from his first ball. So another win with full points. Marvelous stuff.

Moment of the match
We have seen the organisational side to Capn Ward earlier on this season. This weekend we were treated to his gamesmanship. The changing rooms were undergoing some form of renovation or sterilisation so we were forced to get changed behind the marquee in the middle of what is essentially a public park. In a tactic clearly meant to intimidate the opposition he had Long Jim Dorman who was bedecked in splendid baggy boxers lift a leg just as the tea lady rounded the corner. Such was the sight that greeted her that no amount of smelling salts or counseling is ever going to revive the poor thing. Phase two of Operation Intimidate saw our man Butler being sent in to “chat up” the scorer, a lady of such puritan virtues that she two will be queueing up for the councilor if not an exorcist. With their womenfolk in such distress the men of Bexleyheath could not hope to concentrate on the game. Oh Ward thou truly art the master tactician.

Man of the match
Much could be made of Fennell’s heroic batting performance. Indeed he himself made much of it in the pub afterwards, but after consultation with Chuffer, the title has to go to Stacy Buss. His bowling figures of 4 for 12 are special enough anyway but doubly so as he stopped their middle order getting the extra runs that might have been decisive given how delicate our batting can be. On top of this he played a lovely innings with the bat, first off supporting Fennell and then pushing the score along with some glorious off drives to seal the victory. The only blot on a perfect day was his unexplained cowardliness in the face of a catch out on the boundary.

Physics Is A Bitch

GND Dartford – away – won

This week saw the 2009 Odyssey take to the road and at midday we boarded our ships and set off for distant lands in the darkest of places – Sidcup.

Spirits were high amongst the men but then the first trial befell us when Odysseus Ward’s mighty bag that contained everything including the winds of fate was opened. All the ships were scattered and we were left to make our own way to the ground. Still, we pushed on.

As our barge wallowed about the mean streets of FootsCray we faced the second trial, Butler was effected by the Siren call of the evil Ronald McDonald. In a display of sheer bravery (or incredible meanness) the captain of the vessel held firm and we sailed past the source of temptation amid much complaints from Butler.

With little further adventure we washed up at the shores of Waring Park, scene for the epic battle that was about to ensue. By virtue of having brought our own wise man with us to adjudicate the proceedings we automatically won the toss and Odysseus decided to have a bowl at the opposition hoards.

Clearly Dartford had angered the gods as well as the pitch was something straight from Hedes. Dorman struck first with a ball that pitched half way down the pitch and tunneled its way to the the stumps leaving the poor batsman staring open mouthed as we celebrated. Obviously rattled by our early success the enemy caved in and we set about decimating the remaining batsmen. The only resistance to total capitulation was snuffed out by the wily Buss. The defiant batsman hit some lusty blows but Buss wasn’t phased and had him LBW in fairly short order.

After the dust had settled and the broken bodies of the combatants were removed from the fray, the enemy had only posted a meager 57 runs from just 19 overs so we were facing a run rate of an incredibly low 0.9. The target was not the issue though, we had seen what the pitch had done to their batsmen and were rightly nervous as Buss and Dorman headed out to open our account. After just 4 balls fickle fate struck and Dorman was heading back to the safety of the pavilion accompanied by his very own golden fleece duck.

Enter Fennell who, mindful of the conditions and the very real possibility of a collapse on this unpredictable pitch, clubbed his first ball for six. He really doesn’t have much finesse and Buss’ face said it all – we were now in the lap of the gods. 18 runs later, Atropos once again played her hand and Buss was the next victim of uneven bounce. Next we welcomed the return of Rob “Baby Maker” Fennings who was sent in to provide a supporting role for Fennell’s antics.

The secret when you have an unpredictable pitch is to play with a straight bat and not to take chances. Rob comes from one of the old cricketing families and toughed it out in fine fashion. With the score just 7 runs short of the target, the brave lad fell to a rush of blood.

With victory only a few strokes away, Odysseus Ward donned his armor, grasped his weapon of choice and marched out to do battle. Without further ado, he steered our ship home and we passed their total with a mere 43 overs to spare.

Then came the feast of Circe, such was the spread laid out before us that half our men were turned into swine but Odysseus Ward had been given a magic brown potion in a squidgy bottle and was not effected. Thus was he able to gather his men and make good his escape without further loss of life.

And what of physics I hear you ask? Well, as any schoolchild can testify Newtonian mechanics states that momentum is a product of speed and mass. So when Fennell set off for a “quick” single there may not have been much speed but there was certainly a lot of momentum. Buckets of the stuff in fact. The issue came when Buss aborted the run and sent him back. The thing about momentum is that it wants to continue in a straight line and with only his weedy little ankles with which to reverse the direction the outcome was inevitable – Fennell sprawled in a crumpled heap. This is why we are anti physics.

Moment of the match
This is a very serious matter and is posted here as a warning to everyone. On no account should you giggle and poke fun at the unfortunate Steve Family Jewels Witton. He took up his position at first slip and was given instruction to expect every ball to come to him. Three balls later, a rapid(ish) delivery from Butler took the edge of the bat and homed in on the aforementioned Steve’s man bits like a chav on a footballer. Impressively, despite some whimpering, a funny little dance and a fair bit of swearing, Steve resumed his position and the game continued. The moral; follow the advice given.

Man of the match
Harvey The Elder, who by his own high standards has had a quiet start to the season, was back on form this week; there were puns, there were wickets (two for one run) and there was a classic Trunky catch. The ball was edged and ballooned up. Right from the start, it looked as if it was going to fall short of our man. He, however, had other ideas and with a momentous leap forward plucked the ball from the air just inches from the turf. The crowds went wild. It’s said that the truly great players seem to have so much time and Neil must be very good indeed as the whole catch took half an hour to play out. Rumor has it that Aardman Animations were behind the whole thing and this was a stop motion scene from their new film, The Tight Trousers.

And We’re Off

Bexleyheath – home – won

Amazing how quickly the winter passes into a distant memory and it’s time to don the whites, take to the field and chase a little red ball about a field. For some (most actually) the winter has been unusually kind and there has obviously been ample opportunity to forage for supplies. In the case of the lesser spotted WCC player supplies seem to take the form of pies and plenty of them. Yes folks, we have achieved a state of physical fitness that can only be described as cuddly. So much so that one cold hearted blaggard posing as a supporter was overhead to refer to us as “The Moobs”.

Despite such hurtful comments, spirits were high as we took the field. It was a funny innings in that there was no perceivable advantage to either side. The game seemed to ebb and flow. They started off well and were 40 without loss after 10 overs. Then a very tidy little spell from Butler (who has been bowling well in the nets and transfered this form to the great outdoors) reigned them back in. A couple of wickets later (including a fabulous diving, tumbling catch where Wee Stevie Oakley managed to “get both feet off the ground”) saw advantage edge our way. Then we seemed to take our foot off the gas and the visitors took the run rate up to 5 with some lusty blows. Advantage back to us though when Buss was thrown the ball and took three quick wickets to stop the rot. On balance, I think we ended up slightly better off with the opposition having posted a fairly modest total of 142.

Our innings seemed to follow the same yo-yo pattern. Brewer and Buss started off relatively well and the total was being built at a rate of 4 when Buss got a nasty ball that stuck and he spooned a dolly to mid off. The Boy Bryce was next in and restored advantage to us with a typical display of boundaries including a huge six. All too soon though the fireworks were over and Bryce was on his way back to the pavilion (with 33 under his belt). Next in Dorman. Now here is a man of supreme confidence. Unfortunately, it was time for the advantage to go the opposition’s way and despite some delightful stroke play he too fell. We were 70 for 3 with loads of overs to go when Fennell (who was especially successful in the winter forage judging by the strain his shirt was under) took guard. Following Buss’ advice to take it easy he restricted himself to just four 4’s from his first over. Advantage us. All this while Brewer had been quietly getting on with the job as a good opener should and had amassed a total of 32 when he fell to a great ball that nipped back in through the gate and he too had to depart the fray. Enter the colossus of Wee Stevie. Here is a man who can certainly hit the ball so that it stays hit. However, he needs to be given the opportunity and clearly the cricket gods had decided to tip the game back to the opposition and he left the arena without bothering to the scorers too much. Fennell was in determined form and was still blasting the ball to the boundary when Ward strode manfully to the crease. Master tactician that he is he decided to play a supporting roll which consisted of continuous complaints about being bored and “just finish it off”. Fennell, who is a loyal cove, obliged and we passed the target without further loss.

On reflection, I’d have to say that this was a close enough game which we made look good but in the end it was a good batting display that saw us home. All that really matters is that the first game is out of the way and we have the points in the bag. Roll on next week.

Moment of the match
Hmmm … hard to say really. It was one of those games where no one really shone and there were no comic episodes of note. The one thing that will stick in my mind is that upon arrival at the ground we were greeted to a glimpse of NuCaptaincy as the entire changing room was festooned with plans and diagrams for every conceivable outcome. There were fielding positions for right-handed batsmen, fielding positions for left-handed batsmen, batting orders, bowling orders the likes of which has never been seen in Wrotham cricket. One thing is for sure, our new leader takes things very seriously.

Man of the match
Brewer has to be a contender with his steady 32 and a good fielding display including a catch. So too, The Boy Bryce who smashed 33 in very quick fashion and took two wickets with the ball. There was Buss’ bowling (3 for 20) which crucially turned the tide in our favor just when it was needed. On the whole though for the stunning display of girlie fielding and jug avoidance (48) the crown has to go the Fennell.