Postcards From The Front

Nursted – away – lost

This week instead of the usual match report we will print an exert from a letter home from one of our fallen comrades:

This was do-or-die. After our initial surge forward in May our campaign faltered and we had been beaten back somewhat in recent weeks. Dark clouds gathered over the staging area before, grim faced and determined, we climbed aboard the Yank Tank and ABW (armored Buss wagon) and set off for the big push up the hill.

First encounter with the enemy was at 13 hundred hours when a loan trouper was seen crossing the field at Nash Street. We set about readying ourselves for the upcoming battle.

Disaster – Captain Ward accidentally set off a chemical weapon and gassed half the company. Despite this setback he led the way and with Private Brewer laid waste around them. Private Brewer’s snipper skills came to the fore as he picked off 30 without being troubled too much. Eventually though he slipped up and was caught by a dastardly cur and for him the war was over.

Private Fenning tried to repeat his recent heroics but failed and even though there was some early promise.

Lieutenant Fennell’s clash was short and vicious. Early on he launched a huge bomb and followed up with a set of rockets that scattered the enemy to all parts of the field. However, he took one in the hand and it was only a matter of time before he too was dispatched.

Sergeant Buss was looking good and had accounted for 23 when he tried to go over the top but was caught on the wire in no-mans land.

Gunners Mate Wee Stevie Oakley brought the big gun with him but the damn thing seemed to misfire.

Private Butler had to hang around a while before he could get into the action and copped one on his very first encounter.

Private Meredith lied about his age on the draft but the young lad was terribly keen to show his mettle. Truth be told we were glad to have him with us. In the face of the aggressors he advanced and with great courage and dispatched them in a series of truly inspired shots. Alas, he too fell before his time.

The others in our little band of brothers tried but failed to halt the onslaught.

After a couple of hours the retreat was sounded and we regrouped to scoff some grub and slurp a cup of tea. Never has a simple scone tasted so good. But this was only a brief respite and the hostilities soon resumed. We encircled the enemy and had at them. Wave after wave of attacks rained down on them in an effort to break their spirits.

Privates Meredith and Butler opened up with a mixture of ferocity and accuracy that pinned them down and surely it was only a matter of time before one of them perished. However, such was the heat on that fateful day that both men had to break off engagement early than usual.

Sergeant Buss was first to strike and with great accuracy he pinged one into his victim’s legs and with a loud cheer the celebrations began.

Corporal Kingsnorth was next to “hav a go” but his attack was easily repelled and he suffered heavy losses without success.

Bombardier Harvey took up the baton and lobbed some high explosives at the opposition captain who had to dig in in the face of such an onslaught. Eventually, he had his man though and the wile old campaigner had another scalp.

Unfortunately, they had a young warrior who seemed to be able to fire at will and was decimating our attack. We were in trouble.

Sensing this, Captain Ward took upon himself to get us out of the mess. Success, he dispatched two adversaries in quick fashion.

By this stage though, the battle was beginning to take it’s toll. Private Butler was out on his feet and unable to take any further part in our struggle.

Private Brewer was left motionless in the field when a sniper in the trees mowed him down as he ran for cover. It would have been a kindness just to put him out of his misery as he lay there.

Private Meredith was seen making a dash toward a group of enemy vehicles in the far corner of the battlefield only to pull up short with a wounded back. The brave lad went on to try a second assault on the opposition but sadly all the fight had gone out of him.

Private Maylan was patrolling on the boundary when all of a sudden he too went down. Got it in both legs poor blighter.

Bombardier Harvey seemed to have a complete breakdown when faced with the horror of the whole thing. This resulted in a series of inexplicable events that left him sprawling on the ground. Comical if you didn’t feel for the big man.

After some R&R by the long grass Sergeant Buss was sent back to the front again and with renewed vigor, he took out their next two.

Inspired by this, Private Butler got in on the action and aided by Fennell removed one more. But it was all too little too late. After many hours the battle ended as quickly as it started. Broken bodies littered the field. Out of the smoke and mist 22 bloodied and bruised souls trooped away to drink beer, write poetry and generally try to make sense of the whole thing.

Missing or wounded in action:
Pte N Maylan – both legs
Pte S Brewer – both legs
Pte H Meredith – back
Pte J Butler – everything
Lieut R Fennell – hand
Cpl G Kingsnorth – pretty much nothing left
Sgt S Buss – patience
Bdr N Harvey – reflexes shot to pieces

Analysis of the battle described in this letter shows that it was a more even affair than depicted. Both sides scored the same number of runs in the same number of overs. The only difference was that we didn’t have the batting to use up all our overs. An extra 20 or 30 runs would have been enough to see us home.

Moment of the match
After many years in the bowling wilderness, it was good to see Nick take the ball and “turn his arm over”. Despite the lay off he proved he still had it when he served up a delivery that drifted on the breeze like a dandelion seed and then as it pitched at the feet of the onrushing batsman turned into a cobra, bit, spat and leapt away from him to crash into the off stump. Bowling Wardie.

Aside – while fielding at mid off a puffing and slightly wheezing Ward trotted past muttering to himself – “Shit, I’m the fittest man on the pitch”

Man of the match
No contest here. Despite not actually being present at the game itself, it has to be the medical type who has the job of putting our decrepit team back together again. I don’t envy him that job.

Oh So Close

GHS Dartford – home – lost

Last time we played this lot the pitch had a major influence in the outcome. For sure we adapted to the conditions much better and deserved the win but as we would be playing on a flat track this week we’d get a true feeling for just how good both teams were.

If I had to say, I think our batting has been the weaker element to our game so far this season. Captain Nick is a thinker and he decided that it would be better for us to have a bowl and chase a total. A solid enough theory.

Butler opened up typically enough with some very tight bowling. He was ably aided by Nigel “Dave the Ump’s Mate” Malyan who despite a couple of early wides soon found his stride and conceded just 12 runs from his 4 overs.

Time for Nick to make a move and so Buss and Harvey were swapped in. He was vindicated shortly thereafter when Harvey started up with his famous mind tricks. As he came in to bowl the opposition captain backed away and Neil had to abort. Neil has never been one for this sort of thing and made the batsman wait while he stood there checking the ball for flecks of dust (it makes a difference I’m told). We then entered a phase of gamesmanship with neither men giving an inch. Eventually Harvey had had enough and delivered a well flighted ball that drifted in and completely deceived the batsman who thought he was going to knock the skin off the ball and we had our first wicket.

The track was playing well and the next wicket did not come for quite some time when that man Harvey trapped their inform batsman leg before.

So with 150 runs on the board and only two wickets down things were not looking great. Nick The Wizard dipped into his bag of tricks and in what can only be described as an inspired move altered reality as we know it and threw the ball to Fennell. The rest of the team (and even Fennell himself) just stood and stared but blow me if this tactic didn’t work. A long hop was produced and the foolish batsman only succeeded in scooping the ball up to Brewer at mid off. A couple of overs later and Nick got a regulation catch at mid on. Then the incoming batsman chipped his first ball back to Fennell and he was on a hat trick. What was going on? Nick had shifted us into a bizarre universe indeed. One that not even special mushrooms can get you to and where the normal rules of cricket no longer apply. Then another wicket from a genuinely good delivery and he had four. And even in the last over he of the game produced a slower ball which floated through the charging batsman and allowed “Baby Maker” Fennings a stumping. So a five wicket haul for Fennell. Never will this be written again.

Trouble was with all this excitement, the opposition had posted a score of 220. That’s big. Really big.

After a spot of tea, Brewer and Ward were sent out to reply. And reply they did. Without giving any chances they struck the ball to all parts of the ground and we set about the run chase. It was a delight to sit and watch your openers build a solid base for once. After an hour of heroics Bewer succumbed and departed the fray with 39 runs to his name. We were 75 for 1. Enter Baby Maker who if truth be told has had a mediocre time with the bat. Not today though. He set about the bowling with some well struck and solid blows. At the other end Ward was quietly amassing a total too. Together they put on another 50 runs before Ward developed wanderlust and was stumped for 39. So 128 for 2 then.

Next in Buss who immediately turned up the heat and he and Baby Maker started taking quick singles and turning ones into twos. The run rate shot up. It didn’t last nearly long enough though and Buss fell to a good delivery. Together they had added another 40 to the total and we were 165 for 3. This was looking good.

“The Bowler Formally Known As H” strode to the crease with some long and easy strides. Unfortunately after nearly two hours at the crease Baby Maker was bowled and had to return to the pavilion just nine runs shy of his maiden 50. 170 for 4. Next in Butler who displayed some considerable restraint and thought in his last innings. Three balls into his innings he showed the complete opposite and had to begin the walk of shame. Gymslip Jenkins cartwheeled his way to join H who continued to impress as he stroked the ball for 4 but he too soon fell. 176 for 5. Jenkins, Harvey and then Wee Stevie Oakley fought a valiant rearguard action but with only a few overs to go and 50 runs required it was asking too much. After our allotted 40 we fell short by just 25.

Our post match analysts took a look at the score book; with 20 extras, at least another 20 extra runs through misfields and failure to take singles while batting you can see where things could have been different. Some more thought by all is required for the next game.

Moment of the match
New boy Paul Jenkins is not a delicate flower of a man. A solid unit you might say. Anyhow, said lump was fielding at fine leg amongst the rabbit holes when the ball was clipped down towards him. He set off at a gallop but unwisely attempted to bend down and pick up the ball whilst on the run. As head plunged earthward and arse went skyward this brave attempt ended in a magnificent forward roll and Paul emerged with the ball in hand. Even the batsmen had to stop and applaud the feat of gymnastics.

Man of the match
I’m going to give this one to Captain Nick. His return to form with the bat, strong display in the field and inspired bowling changes gave us a very real chance of winning this tight game.

A Bowl Of Spaghetti Western

Luddesdowne – Away – Lost

The Good – in general our fielding this week was not too shabby at all. Luuddesdowne is a tiny little bowl of a pitch and is normally a high scoring venue as a top edge will generally go for six. Despite this, we contained the opposition fairly well. Sure they scored 173 but there were 27 extras in this and there was an onslaught of frenzied swings at the ball in the last few overs that added an extra 30 runs. Take these out and you are looking at a score just north of 110.

Of particular note Sam “Elastic Fantastic” Davies displayed some incredible aerobatics at point to save a certain four. At the other end on the fielding spectrum Kingsnorth displayed a scene from Bambi on Ice and Butler, the bedroom scene from Sleeping Beauty. Lister was lively. Buss was swift of foot and Ward determined to chase down everything.

As rumored in previous posts, this weekend saw the surprise return on one of Wrotham’s favorite sons – Andy “Ginga” Logan. He is a bit of a bear of a man and those huge shoulders of his launched a massive six, bowled a deceptively fast ball off two paces and nigh on broke Fennell’s hands such was the ferocity of his throws. On top of this it is nice to see his infectious enthusiasm back. Simply put, he makes you want to do better. Just a shame he is unable to drink beer, the big poof.

Figures such as Kingsnorth’s 1 for 16 off 5 was pretty good (imagine what they’d be like if you took out the wides), Butler’s miserly 22 off 8 was a big boost and Lister’s 2 for 12 off 4 was great.

The Bad – despite only needing four runs per over, we displayed an incredible range of poor shot selection and managed to get ourselves out for 73. It should be noted that this was entirely a disaster of our own making. Their blowers just weren’t that good. Honestly. The only resistance was a partnership of 52 by Fennell and Butler but even those two were just as guilty of getting themselves out. Yes, yes, Ginga got a strange ball that seemed to come back off the keeper onto the stumps and Elastic Fantastic got a ball that rolled under his bat but you get one or two strange things on the type of pitches we play on. You expect that. As for the rest … well, batting practice all round.

The Ugly – imagine if you will a fat bullfrog. Pick said creature up by the scruff of the neck such that his pot belly hangs down. Give him a little black cap. Then put some pads and gloves on him and place him behind the stumps. Welcome to Wicketkeeping Fennell Style. I sometimes watch Aerobics Oz Style (purely for the esthetic qualities of the lycra) and this is not it.

Moment of the match
Spurred on by new boy Ginga but mostly by frustration, Buss sped in from cover, dipped, scooped up the ball one handed and demolished the stumps from 15 yards to run out a batsman who could only look on with startled horror at what was unfolding. Aside from the obvious benefit of getting rid of another Luddesdowne player, this wicket had the welcome effect of lifting our spirits and giving the team a second wind. Top man.

Man of the match
We had some discussion on this over a crafty beer after the game and there were a couple of players who did their bit – Fennell for efforts behind the stumps and 27 runs – Ginga’s fielding, tight bowling and general energy. There was a man who, despite a lackluster day in the field, showed some measure of strength to overcome his natural game and score 33 runs without having a wild flail at the ball and this coupled with his very tidy bowling means that this weeks MOM is Mr J Butler esq.

Forget Eskimos

The eskimos may have many words for snow but as I discovered after a day behind the stumps, wicketkeepers have far more for pain – discomfort, irritation, tenderness, soreness, smarting, stinging, aching, cramping, pang, throbbing, beating, pounding, shooting, sickening, drilling, stabbing, sharp, cutting, crushing, punishing, grueling, cruel, vicious, killing, blinding, crushing, wrenching, intense, unbearable, burning, scalding, searing, penetrating, piercing, nauseating, agonising, dreadful, torturing, ….. Holy God do my legs hurt today.

News Flash

Reports have been received that The Club are in negotiations to secure the return of a much loved son to the fold. Details are scarce but the player in question is set to guest appear for us on 20th June. Watch this space.

Don’t Forget Your Sunblock

Nursted – home – lost

This week you get a break from the usual diatribe and instead, you get a song:

Ten unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun,
Ten unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun,
And if one unfit fatty should accidentally burn
there’ll be nine unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun.

Nine unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun,
Nine unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun,
And if one unfit fatty should accidentally burn
there’ll be eight unfit fatties (and Harry) sizzling in the sun.

…. well, you get the idea.

Yes, on the hottest day by far we struggled in the field under a baking sun and the opposition posted a large total of 192. Jason bowled a tidy and economical spell picking up 2 wickets and conceding just 20 runs. It was good to see Kingsnorth come back from obscurity with two good wickets albeit slightly expensively.

Dorman had a good day behind the stumps but yet we managed to give away 21 extras. Buss had two marvelous run outs that saw him swoop on the ball like a granny spying a bargain at a jumble sale and launch it at the stumps in a single fluid underarm fashion. Wee Stevie Oakley took another two fine catches to see him leap to the top of the fielding table.

In reply we got to 162 in our allotted 40 overs. So not a bad chase. Everyone chipped in with some runs but in reality we needed at least one of the top order to get a fifty to spur us on to the victory. Doorman’s duck fetish has reached worrying proportions.

A hugely disappointing day for all. Still we have a week off to get our heads back in the right place.

In our league we get a bowling point for every two wickets we take. Important then that we maxed out with five of those. On the batting front the loosing side gets a extra point for every ten runs closer to the target they get (ie. 1 point if they are within 90, 2 if within 80, etc.). By achieving 162 we actually earned a total of 11 points (5 from bowling, 6 from batting) from the game when the opposition only got 19 (15 for winning and 4 for bowling). Yes we lost but, numerically, not by much. It’s things like these that make a difference at the end of the season.

Moment Of The Match
Slim pickings this week. Butler and Harvey’s final run to get us an extra batting point had to be a high point. Butler had completed at least five (count them, five) whole singles previously and was understandably lame as a result. Harvey has never been one for the “quick single”, I’ve seen faster ice ages. So when the bowler steamed in for the final ball, Butler had already hobbled half way down the pitch and was bellowing for the run. Luckily, this did not put Harvey off his stroke and he was able to prod it away and he too set off with the speed of an arthritic snail. With legs pumping and arms flailing our man reached the safety of the far end just as the ball passed the stumps ten seconds earlier (qui audet vincit).

Man Of The Match
Young Harry “H” Meredith bowled well in his second spell, took a great catch, had a run-out and produced some wonderful off drives to be top scorer. An all round performance sadly missing from the rest of the team.