GND Dartford – away – won
This week saw the 2009 Odyssey take to the road and at midday we boarded our ships and set off for distant lands in the darkest of places – Sidcup.
Spirits were high amongst the men but then the first trial befell us when Odysseus Ward’s mighty bag that contained everything including the winds of fate was opened. All the ships were scattered and we were left to make our own way to the ground. Still, we pushed on.
As our barge wallowed about the mean streets of FootsCray we faced the second trial, Butler was effected by the Siren call of the evil Ronald McDonald. In a display of sheer bravery (or incredible meanness) the captain of the vessel held firm and we sailed past the source of temptation amid much complaints from Butler.
With little further adventure we washed up at the shores of Waring Park, scene for the epic battle that was about to ensue. By virtue of having brought our own wise man with us to adjudicate the proceedings we automatically won the toss and Odysseus decided to have a bowl at the opposition hoards.
Clearly Dartford had angered the gods as well as the pitch was something straight from Hedes. Dorman struck first with a ball that pitched half way down the pitch and tunneled its way to the the stumps leaving the poor batsman staring open mouthed as we celebrated. Obviously rattled by our early success the enemy caved in and we set about decimating the remaining batsmen. The only resistance to total capitulation was snuffed out by the wily Buss. The defiant batsman hit some lusty blows but Buss wasn’t phased and had him LBW in fairly short order.
After the dust had settled and the broken bodies of the combatants were removed from the fray, the enemy had only posted a meager 57 runs from just 19 overs so we were facing a run rate of an incredibly low 0.9. The target was not the issue though, we had seen what the pitch had done to their batsmen and were rightly nervous as Buss and Dorman headed out to open our account. After just 4 balls fickle fate struck and Dorman was heading back to the safety of the pavilion accompanied by his very own golden fleece duck.
Enter Fennell who, mindful of the conditions and the very real possibility of a collapse on this unpredictable pitch, clubbed his first ball for six. He really doesn’t have much finesse and Buss’ face said it all – we were now in the lap of the gods. 18 runs later, Atropos once again played her hand and Buss was the next victim of uneven bounce. Next we welcomed the return of Rob “Baby Maker” Fennings who was sent in to provide a supporting role for Fennell’s antics.
The secret when you have an unpredictable pitch is to play with a straight bat and not to take chances. Rob comes from one of the old cricketing families and toughed it out in fine fashion. With the score just 7 runs short of the target, the brave lad fell to a rush of blood.
With victory only a few strokes away, Odysseus Ward donned his armor, grasped his weapon of choice and marched out to do battle. Without further ado, he steered our ship home and we passed their total with a mere 43 overs to spare.
Then came the feast of Circe, such was the spread laid out before us that half our men were turned into swine but Odysseus Ward had been given a magic brown potion in a squidgy bottle and was not effected. Thus was he able to gather his men and make good his escape without further loss of life.
And what of physics I hear you ask? Well, as any schoolchild can testify Newtonian mechanics states that momentum is a product of speed and mass. So when Fennell set off for a “quick” single there may not have been much speed but there was certainly a lot of momentum. Buckets of the stuff in fact. The issue came when Buss aborted the run and sent him back. The thing about momentum is that it wants to continue in a straight line and with only his weedy little ankles with which to reverse the direction the outcome was inevitable – Fennell sprawled in a crumpled heap. This is why we are anti physics.
Moment of the match
This is a very serious matter and is posted here as a warning to everyone. On no account should you giggle and poke fun at the unfortunate Steve Family Jewels Witton. He took up his position at first slip and was given instruction to expect every ball to come to him. Three balls later, a rapid(ish) delivery from Butler took the edge of the bat and homed in on the aforementioned Steve’s man bits like a chav on a footballer. Impressively, despite some whimpering, a funny little dance and a fair bit of swearing, Steve resumed his position and the game continued. The moral; follow the advice given.
Man of the match
Harvey The Elder, who by his own high standards has had a quiet start to the season, was back on form this week; there were puns, there were wickets (two for one run) and there was a classic Trunky catch. The ball was edged and ballooned up. Right from the start, it looked as if it was going to fall short of our man. He, however, had other ideas and with a momentous leap forward plucked the ball from the air just inches from the turf. The crowds went wild. It’s said that the truly great players seem to have so much time and Neil must be very good indeed as the whole catch took half an hour to play out. Rumor has it that Aardman Animations were behind the whole thing and this was a stop motion scene from their new film, The Tight Trousers.
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