Secret Identity Revealed

No Brewers Droop

Blackheath Select away 23rd May 09  WON

11 players yet again , what can i say things get better and better, automatic win of coin again as Select had no umpire.

Deciding to bowl first, Butler(5-4-3-0) and Dorstop(7-1-21-0) contained the the opening batsmen for the first 10 overs with accurate bowling, stand in skipper Buss decided that a wicket or 2 was needed so a change in the attack was needed (also the fact that he wasn’t to sure how the rest of the team would bowl, thus forcing a change in reality). A stroke of genius in hind sight , firstly Meredith(8-1-26-3)  fresh from school, was tossed the ball, Klunky Kluznic standing a fair distance behind the stumps took ready to recieve the first delivery, baring in mind our Harry is only 15 sent down an exorcet that shook the batsmen as if Brett Lee had bowled it himself, clipping the shoulder of the bat and landing 35 meters behind the slips, Klunky looked at Brewer and decided that they may be too close so stepped back 10 metres. Buss (7.3-3-11-5) bowled from the other end had immediate impact 1st ball then again 2 balls later, what a great start. With eyes glowing red and a snarling grin Meredith started his second over, stumps were sent flying , boy this kid is quick sorry not quick but bloody quick, i have to say he’s probably the quickest 15 yr old i’ve seen, Select battled, prodded and chanced their arm to amass a decent score but were containd well by all bowlers Davies (4-0-12-0) Harvey (7-0-19-1) and were eventually mopped up by J-cloth Busss , 98 all out. The wheels of Wrotham were well and truley in motion.

Tea hhmmmm nice

Deciding to juggle the batting order Buss almost sank in the ground as the wheels started to disintigrate, Brewer (54 no) watched in amazment as Fennings and Dorstop came and went rather to quickly Bryce (19) Buss (10) added resistance but we were in deep do do 63-7 . Enter the dragon ( Davies 9) stood firm adding 26 with Brewer nearly saw us home but a fateful second run saw Davies cruelly run out by square leg Fennings ( uncle Rob at that) 89-8 oh dear … Harvey(2no) strapped on his pads, donned his cap  and with bat under arm trudged to the crease,  with exchange of words mumbling to Brewer no quick singles he stroked the ball through the covers for a single .. no, Brewer had other ideas, 2 was the shout and gazzelle like Brewer was up and running, Harvey not looking to impressed launched himself into the second run, cheers and laughter could be heard around the ground as the steely eyed Harvey glared back at Brewer. Brewster Brewer saw us over the line with 15 overs spare No Brewers Droop. Pick of Select’s bowlers was Shah (7-1-42-7)

Mom

Steve Brewer for holding a rocky ship scoring 54 no

And no Nick thats not your bat

Moment of the match

Well there wasnt just one in particular , Harry’s first ball was a gem as was the sight of his 3 wickets flattening the stumps each time. Buss’s throw inflicting a run out, Fennell would have been proud, with an under arm flick the ball would have missed by miles but great footwork from Klunky kicking the ball onto the stumps. Brewster and Harveys 2 was another, but for me young Sam Davies shot for 4 against the opening bowler, front foot firmly planted and driven along the ground back past the bowler, baring in mind the boundaries were big .

 

Great win Wardy’s back next week so at least he’s still undefeated

S Buss.

Buss Bowls, Bats And Beats Bexleyheath

Bexleyheath – away – won

Having survived last week’s ordeal of traveling into, for want of a better description, “suburbia” the prospect of returning to that dark and misbegotten place held no fears for us. This coupled with the fact that this week we were playing the return leg of our first game of the season (a relatively easy victory) meant that the mood was one of optimism as we set off up the M20.

Last time we met, the opposition seemed to rely of a couple of key batsmen to get them a score and so if we could nip a them out cheaply then we would be looking at a small target. With this in mind it made sense to stick them in again.

The new ball was thrown to Butler who decided to bowl into the face of what a Scottish crofter might call a fresh breeze but down here, where the people are more sensible, would be called a hurricane. Despite this, he set about to opposition with his usual accuracy and cunning.

Partnering him was the reluctant bowler Dorman; a modest man who feels his greatest assets lie elsewhere but will turn his arm over if needs be. Well, needs be and talent or not he started a great spell off by taking the scalps of their top three batsmen. Ten very economical overs later Captain Ward made his first tactical change; Butler was given a rest and the ball was passed to Buss. Unknown to us, the poor lad has sensitive ears and such was the howling of the wind that he had to abort his run up on several occasions and was left clutching his lugs. Obviously, we were sympathetic to his pain.

At the other end Dorman continued his onslaught. Time then for the return of an old favourite, Gareth “Wild Man” Lister. Here is a man who can bowl a 28 ball over without breaking a sweat. That, however, is all in the past and despite a couple of errant balls down the leg side he bowled a very tidy little spell only conceding 10 runs off his four overs.

Then Captain Ward played his next ace, the Elder Harvey. And ace he was.

The opposition’s most successful batsman was lured by the wily Harvey into hitting a solid but uppish ball to cow corner. Initially it looked like it would clear the boundary for a maximum, then the wind seemed to hold it up and it began to drop short. Butler who was prowling the boundary like a like a shark eying beach full of swimmers could catch this. Hearts rose. Then the wind held the ball up further and it began to fall short of our man. Hearts fell. Butler started forward …. the ball was dropping ever shorter but Butler raced on. With the ball scant feet off the ground he threw himself into a sliding, diving onward rush and engulfed the ball just in time. No one dared to look but with a mighty shout he rose to his feet clutching the ball. We won’t see much better than that this year.

The wind died down then and the aurally impaired Buss came back on to bowl and proved he was far too good for the remaining batsmen picking up 4 wickets for a miserly 12 runs. Kingsnorth got in on the action and disposed of the opposition’s final resistance in fairly quick fashion.

Tea was taken in the recently retrieved marquee (did I mention there was wind?) and we were pretty happy with the days work so far. Once again we had restricted the opposition to a low score – 110.

Now Captain Ward has a fine memory and had spotted the worlds fastest bowler among the opposition. Fear not, he had a plan for this and donned his mighty morphing power ranger suit complete with fetching helmet and accompanied by Steady Steve Brewer went out to face this demon. Disaster! Obviously encumbered by the weight of his armor valiant Captain Ward fell after a couple of overs. Baby Maker Fennings then ran in and was run out in pretty much the same breath.

Time then for Fennell who is a superstitious sort and was clearly upset by having to reach a target of 111 – the Nelson. Things started badly; dropped at second slip in the first over, a couple of streaky runs form the edge of his bat and some frankly wild and ludicrous swings of the bat. However, through racial luck he survived and battled on. Just when Steady Steve looked like he was beginning to get to grips with the pitch, which was worsening by the minute, he was bowled by a good length ball that nipped back in through the gate. We were 29 for 3 and the target looked a long way away.

Buss was next in and displayed cautiousness and skill to see off the opening bowlers. He was the perfect foil to Fennell’s claymore and together they put on a further 60 runs before the pitch played it’s part and Buss was caught in the deep from a leading edge. This was a shame as the game should have finished with both of these players still at the crease.

With 20 runs required, Wee Stevie Oakley strode to the crease hefting his bat on his shoulder like a lumberjack. Now this man is what’s called “a big unit” and is characteristically jolly for a man of his proportions. If he was green then he could endorse cans of sweet corn. You get the picture. Anyhow, we got a glimpse of the strength of the man when he planted his size 14 down the crease and cleanly picked the ball from outside off stump and swept it over the mid wicket boundary for a magnificent six.

Buoyed by this for the next delivery he placed the same foot down the track, played the same shot and ….. was LBW. Damn.

Next in was Duckman Dorman who has been collecting the things like Noah before a bout of rain. He played a rather rash shot and had one more to add to the menagerie.

We were 99 for 6 now. Surely, we couldn’t fail this close to the win? Lister came in the partner Fennell and together they brought the score to 109 before a rush of blood saw Fennell edge the ball to the keeper which brought an end to a fine innings – not pretty but fairly effective.

Butler was next in and finished the game off with an excellent edge for 4 from his first ball. So another win with full points. Marvelous stuff.

Moment of the match
We have seen the organisational side to Capn Ward earlier on this season. This weekend we were treated to his gamesmanship. The changing rooms were undergoing some form of renovation or sterilisation so we were forced to get changed behind the marquee in the middle of what is essentially a public park. In a tactic clearly meant to intimidate the opposition he had Long Jim Dorman who was bedecked in splendid baggy boxers lift a leg just as the tea lady rounded the corner. Such was the sight that greeted her that no amount of smelling salts or counseling is ever going to revive the poor thing. Phase two of Operation Intimidate saw our man Butler being sent in to “chat up” the scorer, a lady of such puritan virtues that she two will be queueing up for the councilor if not an exorcist. With their womenfolk in such distress the men of Bexleyheath could not hope to concentrate on the game. Oh Ward thou truly art the master tactician.

Man of the match
Much could be made of Fennell’s heroic batting performance. Indeed he himself made much of it in the pub afterwards, but after consultation with Chuffer, the title has to go to Stacy Buss. His bowling figures of 4 for 12 are special enough anyway but doubly so as he stopped their middle order getting the extra runs that might have been decisive given how delicate our batting can be. On top of this he played a lovely innings with the bat, first off supporting Fennell and then pushing the score along with some glorious off drives to seal the victory. The only blot on a perfect day was his unexplained cowardliness in the face of a catch out on the boundary.

Physics Is A Bitch

GND Dartford – away – won

This week saw the 2009 Odyssey take to the road and at midday we boarded our ships and set off for distant lands in the darkest of places – Sidcup.

Spirits were high amongst the men but then the first trial befell us when Odysseus Ward’s mighty bag that contained everything including the winds of fate was opened. All the ships were scattered and we were left to make our own way to the ground. Still, we pushed on.

As our barge wallowed about the mean streets of FootsCray we faced the second trial, Butler was effected by the Siren call of the evil Ronald McDonald. In a display of sheer bravery (or incredible meanness) the captain of the vessel held firm and we sailed past the source of temptation amid much complaints from Butler.

With little further adventure we washed up at the shores of Waring Park, scene for the epic battle that was about to ensue. By virtue of having brought our own wise man with us to adjudicate the proceedings we automatically won the toss and Odysseus decided to have a bowl at the opposition hoards.

Clearly Dartford had angered the gods as well as the pitch was something straight from Hedes. Dorman struck first with a ball that pitched half way down the pitch and tunneled its way to the the stumps leaving the poor batsman staring open mouthed as we celebrated. Obviously rattled by our early success the enemy caved in and we set about decimating the remaining batsmen. The only resistance to total capitulation was snuffed out by the wily Buss. The defiant batsman hit some lusty blows but Buss wasn’t phased and had him LBW in fairly short order.

After the dust had settled and the broken bodies of the combatants were removed from the fray, the enemy had only posted a meager 57 runs from just 19 overs so we were facing a run rate of an incredibly low 0.9. The target was not the issue though, we had seen what the pitch had done to their batsmen and were rightly nervous as Buss and Dorman headed out to open our account. After just 4 balls fickle fate struck and Dorman was heading back to the safety of the pavilion accompanied by his very own golden fleece duck.

Enter Fennell who, mindful of the conditions and the very real possibility of a collapse on this unpredictable pitch, clubbed his first ball for six. He really doesn’t have much finesse and Buss’ face said it all – we were now in the lap of the gods. 18 runs later, Atropos once again played her hand and Buss was the next victim of uneven bounce. Next we welcomed the return of Rob “Baby Maker” Fennings who was sent in to provide a supporting role for Fennell’s antics.

The secret when you have an unpredictable pitch is to play with a straight bat and not to take chances. Rob comes from one of the old cricketing families and toughed it out in fine fashion. With the score just 7 runs short of the target, the brave lad fell to a rush of blood.

With victory only a few strokes away, Odysseus Ward donned his armor, grasped his weapon of choice and marched out to do battle. Without further ado, he steered our ship home and we passed their total with a mere 43 overs to spare.

Then came the feast of Circe, such was the spread laid out before us that half our men were turned into swine but Odysseus Ward had been given a magic brown potion in a squidgy bottle and was not effected. Thus was he able to gather his men and make good his escape without further loss of life.

And what of physics I hear you ask? Well, as any schoolchild can testify Newtonian mechanics states that momentum is a product of speed and mass. So when Fennell set off for a “quick” single there may not have been much speed but there was certainly a lot of momentum. Buckets of the stuff in fact. The issue came when Buss aborted the run and sent him back. The thing about momentum is that it wants to continue in a straight line and with only his weedy little ankles with which to reverse the direction the outcome was inevitable – Fennell sprawled in a crumpled heap. This is why we are anti physics.

Moment of the match
This is a very serious matter and is posted here as a warning to everyone. On no account should you giggle and poke fun at the unfortunate Steve Family Jewels Witton. He took up his position at first slip and was given instruction to expect every ball to come to him. Three balls later, a rapid(ish) delivery from Butler took the edge of the bat and homed in on the aforementioned Steve’s man bits like a chav on a footballer. Impressively, despite some whimpering, a funny little dance and a fair bit of swearing, Steve resumed his position and the game continued. The moral; follow the advice given.

Man of the match
Harvey The Elder, who by his own high standards has had a quiet start to the season, was back on form this week; there were puns, there were wickets (two for one run) and there was a classic Trunky catch. The ball was edged and ballooned up. Right from the start, it looked as if it was going to fall short of our man. He, however, had other ideas and with a momentous leap forward plucked the ball from the air just inches from the turf. The crowds went wild. It’s said that the truly great players seem to have so much time and Neil must be very good indeed as the whole catch took half an hour to play out. Rumor has it that Aardman Animations were behind the whole thing and this was a stop motion scene from their new film, The Tight Trousers.

And We’re Off

Bexleyheath – home – won

Amazing how quickly the winter passes into a distant memory and it’s time to don the whites, take to the field and chase a little red ball about a field. For some (most actually) the winter has been unusually kind and there has obviously been ample opportunity to forage for supplies. In the case of the lesser spotted WCC player supplies seem to take the form of pies and plenty of them. Yes folks, we have achieved a state of physical fitness that can only be described as cuddly. So much so that one cold hearted blaggard posing as a supporter was overhead to refer to us as “The Moobs”.

Despite such hurtful comments, spirits were high as we took the field. It was a funny innings in that there was no perceivable advantage to either side. The game seemed to ebb and flow. They started off well and were 40 without loss after 10 overs. Then a very tidy little spell from Butler (who has been bowling well in the nets and transfered this form to the great outdoors) reigned them back in. A couple of wickets later (including a fabulous diving, tumbling catch where Wee Stevie Oakley managed to “get both feet off the ground”) saw advantage edge our way. Then we seemed to take our foot off the gas and the visitors took the run rate up to 5 with some lusty blows. Advantage back to us though when Buss was thrown the ball and took three quick wickets to stop the rot. On balance, I think we ended up slightly better off with the opposition having posted a fairly modest total of 142.

Our innings seemed to follow the same yo-yo pattern. Brewer and Buss started off relatively well and the total was being built at a rate of 4 when Buss got a nasty ball that stuck and he spooned a dolly to mid off. The Boy Bryce was next in and restored advantage to us with a typical display of boundaries including a huge six. All too soon though the fireworks were over and Bryce was on his way back to the pavilion (with 33 under his belt). Next in Dorman. Now here is a man of supreme confidence. Unfortunately, it was time for the advantage to go the opposition’s way and despite some delightful stroke play he too fell. We were 70 for 3 with loads of overs to go when Fennell (who was especially successful in the winter forage judging by the strain his shirt was under) took guard. Following Buss’ advice to take it easy he restricted himself to just four 4’s from his first over. Advantage us. All this while Brewer had been quietly getting on with the job as a good opener should and had amassed a total of 32 when he fell to a great ball that nipped back in through the gate and he too had to depart the fray. Enter the colossus of Wee Stevie. Here is a man who can certainly hit the ball so that it stays hit. However, he needs to be given the opportunity and clearly the cricket gods had decided to tip the game back to the opposition and he left the arena without bothering to the scorers too much. Fennell was in determined form and was still blasting the ball to the boundary when Ward strode manfully to the crease. Master tactician that he is he decided to play a supporting roll which consisted of continuous complaints about being bored and “just finish it off”. Fennell, who is a loyal cove, obliged and we passed the target without further loss.

On reflection, I’d have to say that this was a close enough game which we made look good but in the end it was a good batting display that saw us home. All that really matters is that the first game is out of the way and we have the points in the bag. Roll on next week.

Moment of the match
Hmmm … hard to say really. It was one of those games where no one really shone and there were no comic episodes of note. The one thing that will stick in my mind is that upon arrival at the ground we were greeted to a glimpse of NuCaptaincy as the entire changing room was festooned with plans and diagrams for every conceivable outcome. There were fielding positions for right-handed batsmen, fielding positions for left-handed batsmen, batting orders, bowling orders the likes of which has never been seen in Wrotham cricket. One thing is for sure, our new leader takes things very seriously.

Man of the match
Brewer has to be a contender with his steady 32 and a good fielding display including a catch. So too, The Boy Bryce who smashed 33 in very quick fashion and took two wickets with the ball. There was Buss’ bowling (3 for 20) which crucially turned the tide in our favor just when it was needed. On the whole though for the stunning display of girlie fielding and jug avoidance (48) the crown has to go the Fennell.

The Future Is Here