Old Wilsonians, Away, Lost
On Monday we were looking so good, we had a full team and even some extras waiting in the wings. For once the selectors were happy and didn’t have the prospect of having to ring round pleading for people to play.
However, fate is a bitch and there were always going to be repercussions, we should never have done it, how stupid could we have been to think we could get away with it. WG (hallowed be thy name) has been mortally offended and we have been visited upon by plague after plague. And for why? We plucked his Chosen One. Worse still we enjoyed it and made merry while doing so. Then we broadcast the craven images to those that weren’t there and they made merry of the Chosen One’s pain.
Plague 1 – unreasonable women. First off that Trudie woman had had enough and decided to have her baby. With only four games left you think she could have held on a bit longer. So that was Rob out having to change a nappy or some such. Next up, Cookie’s mother-in-law announced it was her birthday again, on the same day as last year no less. Who could have guessed! Surely after 60 years she could have chosen a different date. How single minded is this woman any way? Still, Darren being the dutiful son-in-law opted to go to supper with the aged relative and was out. On top of all this just as we were about to set off, our captain rang up to say that he too was unable to play due to it being his wedding anniversary. Not being married I don’t know about these things but surely this anniversary lasts all day? Upshot, we were down three main bowlers and three good batsmen.
Plague 2 – misdirection. Old Wilsonian’s have two pitches, their home ground for the 1st’s and 2nd’s and a hired one for the 3rd’s and 4th’s. Thing is, old WG saw fit to print last year’s pitch details in the handbook. So after we had already dispatched half the team we discovered that the real pitch we were due to play on was approx five miles in the other direction. It is against the law to use a mobile phone while driving and clearly we have some amazingly law abiding players on the team as not one of the misdirected travellers could be contacted. And even if we did contact them, all we had were sketchy directions to an unknown location. Blood pressure was rising at the prospect of turning up with only 5 players. Then, a stroke of luck; it turns out that we are not as law abiding as first thought and we were able to get the message through to the the missing folk. But old WG was not to be outdone and the directions provided led us into the desert that is Bromley and proceeded to twist and turn in order to confuse and disorientate us. But we had a secret weapon – a Neil Neil (forget Tom Tom this is far, far better although does have an annoying habit of poor puns). With moments to spare, we all arrived at the ground.
Plague 3 – the mesmerising effect of technology. Beckenham CC play in a very good league and as such their facilities are first rate. Unfortunately, one of the trappings of a big club is an electronic scoreboard complete with a remote control with buttons to press. WG knew what he was doing in providing this diversion for us as the elder statesmen of our club were so beguiled and befuddled by this implement of the devil that all thoughts of the game simply flew out of their heads and soon they were sat there like teenagers watching an episode of Baywatch. No wonder poor old Dave was so keen to get back to the pavilion to quickly.
Plague 4 – floods. After a week of watching the poor people up north clinging to life-rafts and driftwood in the news we too were about to get wet. We were just 7 overs into the game when the skies darkened alarmingly. There was a peal of thunder and the first drops began to fall. Play was suspended while supporters and players alike rushed for the cover of the bar. Interestingly, the captives to technology from the previous plague edged away from the electronic device they were using to control the scoreboard. Perhaps they were concerned that Afros on an older gentleman might look a tad out of place. We are made of sterner stuff though and a few drops of water were not going to deter us. Especially not after the heroic efforts of Neil Neil to get us there. WG, give him his due, kept on trying and this would not be the only time we were to shelter from the rain that day.
Plague 5 – Inspector Gadget’s granddad. A bit of an odd one this but as the first of the floods subsided and Fennell got his innings under way a strange thing happened. He was just beginning to get settled having smashed a delightful boundary and pushing singles at will when the opportunity for another glorious boundary presented itself. Not wishing to miss out Fennell connected and sent the ball towards cow corner leaving vapour trails in the air. All of a sudden the old wreck of a man at Mid On was replaced by Inspector Gadget. With a cry of “go, go gadget arms” the wreck stuck out a telescope paw and plucked the unfortunate Fennell’s missile from the air and he had to return to the pavilion.
Plague 6 – poor shot selections. We have suffered from this particular plague all season but this week it was particularly pronounced. You just have to look at the scorecard to see its effect; only one player got to double figures! And this was when batting on probably the best surface we are ever likely to encounter. No lumps or bumps. The ball came on to the bat and the bounce was true and even. Perfect for batting.
Plague 7 – a plague of bullfrogs. Admittedly, not one that had a huge effect on the outcome but as we took the field after tea, Pete The Keeper was turned into a bullfrog and spent the afternoon crouching behind the stumps croaking out encouragement.
Plague 8 – butterfingers. Yep, again we’ve seen this one before but the spiteful WG applied the dairy products to the hands of our most reliable of catchers. Normally, Neil Neil is attributed with having buckets rather than hands but he too dropped a sitter by his standards, he completely missed the ball and didn’t even lay a finger on it. Even more surprising, One Toe Buss leap out of the way of a gentle caught and bowled opportunity. What is going on?
So there you have it, how could we compete with the eight plagues sent to destroy us? We did manage to place 66 runs on the scoreboard but this could be due in no small part to Neil Neil’s inability to delete runs erroneously added via the remote control. The opposition clearly do not wax their colleagues and were not set about with all manner of nasties and thus had no problem knocking off the required runs in fairly quick fashion. The only highlights in an otherwise depleted bowling attack being the two technophiles, One Toe and Neil Neil. Both of whom displayed the ability to move the ball in the air and off the deck.
Man of the match
Bit difficult to say really. No one shone out. No one that is apart from Pete Nutall who’s new cap was a beacon on an otherwise dreary afternoon. Fashion and elegance, the likes of which have not been seen for many a decade. And I believe it was a bargain to boot.
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